Heart

It's full of scars, mine.
From old surface scratches that add interest and mystery,
Deep gashes, healed over, which nonetheless changed the rhythm,
and fresher wounds that still require care and tending.

awkward: 1. lacking ease or grace 2. lacking social assurance 3. not easy to handle or deal with

Every time I see you photo-flash memories wiz by
when your eyes crinkled when you smiled
your face lit when it caught mine
your touch was comfort, familiar and longing
when words and laughs came easily
and we didn’t run from quiet moments.
doesn't my amygdala know there is an ocean between us now?

My Life in Food

Sunday some dear friends came over and brunched with me. I made quiche, having perfected, I think, my technique. There were potatoes with onions and apples, homemade peach preserves, unbeatable banana bread, and bacon, of course. Everything is better with bacon, I am assured, even though I rarely eat it myself, being a holier than thou ethically superior eater.

Sharing food with friends. It's what I do. It's how I do.

So I have this idea (maybe it was Aida's idea for me) to make it into a book. Creating community through food, or something better as a title. Ideas? It'll have stories with a personal memoir feel, with recipes of mine and friends, of course.

So the quiche - I bought Wild Hog Sausage from the Smokin' mullet, and used some of in the quiche. I should say here that I think the main reason it was so good is because I used high quality ingredients - local unadulterated eggs and milk, fancy parm from wine and cheese gallery, and Wainwright Dairy cheddar (from Lake City - it's amazing), and local organic onions.

I've recently tried melting the cheese into the milk and other ingredients before baking a quiche, and I think it helps it have a better consistency and more unified... cheesiness.

Mushroom Onion and Sausage Quiche:

Pie crust (I use frozen, but you can totally make your own and it'd be that much better)
4 eggs (or more/less depending on size of crust)
milk (whole)
parmigiano and cheddar, grated (maybe 1 cup total, mix up to you, could add swiss too)
Sausage (not much, maybe 2 oz.)
1/2 small container mushrooms
onion (I used yellow, but white or red would be fine too) - maybe 1/4 cup chopped
sage, nutmeg, salt, pepper to taste

1. Pre-bake crusts for about 10 minutes (optional, but I never have half-cooked crust)
2. Meanwhile, brown sausage in a skillet, then add mushrooms, sage (tsp maybe or 1.5 tsp), nutmeg (pinch or two), and pepper. Cook half way, then add onions and cook until both are "done." Add a very little salt.
3. Lower heat, and add some milk (maybe 3/4 cup). Add cheese to melt into milk, stirring frequently.
4. Beat eggs thoroughly with another dash of milk.
5. Once cheese is melted, turn heat off and add eggs, stirring constantly so they don't scramble.
6. Pour filling into crust and bake uncovered for 25-30 minutes.

Carrot Ginger Salad

1. Peel and grate/process most of a bag of carrots (1 lb bag I guess). Grating will produce bigger carrot pieces, but takes longer.
2. Peel ginger chunk and grate/process with the carrots.
3. Use immersion blender to blend juice of one lemon, big spoonful of honey, dash of soy sauce, tsp or so of tahini, and enough sesame oil to double what liquid is there, and a few grinds fresh pepper.
4. Combine in a bowl with a bit of shredded sweetened coconut and some chopped/sliced almonds.

I made this up for work pot-luck today, and it was delicious!

and this one:

another song that makes me cry, though it doesn't seem to fit, it does.

Song that Makes Me Cry Volume 17

I had the CD this is on in the car on my way to work last week sometime. It played in the three minutes before I parked, and like every time I hear it in the last few years, I sobbed like a baby before I got out of the car.

I know my ex-husband is focused very little on feeling sadness or loss, or looking back. Because he is so so happy and in love and nothing can pull him away from that. Well, I'm pretty damned happy too, but I know better than to ignore the tugs that help me grieve, because even if I'm happy, I know that that's far from over.


Break Your Heart
Barenaked Ladies

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I know that you'll be okay,
and that I've got what I want,
and that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not 'cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Honest Conversation with a Christian

I had an unexpected opportunity to talk with an (almost?) open-minded Christian pastor frankly about religion and faith. He seemed unperturbed by my lack of observance, and though he sought an opening to "witness" to me, he also seemed to understand my own expression of faith, as well as I articulated it, anyway.

He described how he became a Christian after a college classmate told him about Jesus. He said at the time he was aimless, smoked too much, and did too many drugs, but that after he accepted Christ, he experienced a true miracle and was able to let his addictions go that very moment. I agreed that it was indeed a miracle, and thought about how having such a deep spiritual experience could help us "let go" of whatever has us tripped up.

I explained my own philosophies, that I don't think there is any one spiritual path to follow, and that however anyone finds peace is acceptable to me (and I presume to "God"). He countered with a metaphor of a mountain, with God at the top, and all these various spiritual paths up the mountain all leading to God. Then he asked me to imagine that God sent Jesus down to the people to help on this one path, which is what makes it unique.

I said I just don't think of God at the top of the mountain, or separate from me, or anyone, that I think of God as the mountain itself, all of us and all of those paths, and everything else too, so that all one needs do to "get close" to God is recognize that. That scientists recognize it as the smallest measures of energy, that vibration that everything is composed of, even if they don't see it as spirit, that's what it is. That the energy I've felt in a church service, or a choral concert, or a yoga class, or a group meditation, are all the same, and I think what he felt that day he became a Christian, and whenever he leads his congregation, are that same energy.

Then he asked THE question: What about evil? What about consequences? I explained I didn't think there is hell/heaven the way Christianity interprets it, and that evil exists so that we recognize good. He actually agreed that it may not be the way we read it in the Bible or explain it in Sunday School, but what about having to examine your life/sins, would that not be hell itself? I agreed that it may be, but that I think when we die, we re-enter the spirit/energy world (of love) and even if we examine the evil we may have done, there are no consequences save maybe for being that much further from not having to again return to the non-spirit world, but that it isn't torturous and there is no judgment from some higher power. Though I realize my own theory may be just that, theory, and that actually it remains a mystery to all of us until we get there.

He asked me what I thought about Jesus and the Bible then. I said I thought the authors were inspired of course but that any interpretation comes through their human perspective, and that Jesus was simply an example of what anyone is capable of, finding a very high level of spiritual maturity, but that those who witnessed it simply did not understand this, and took him to be extra-special. Also I explained that many of the ethical/moral principles were logical and perfectly reasonable without needing to be commanded by God, and that those which exist within most religions also exist outside of them. I don't think he knew what to say about this one.

He invited me to come to Saturday evening's Easter Service, which I declined based on my play schedule, but of course, the last thing I intend ever to do with a Saturday evening is go to church, even if the youth pastor is open-minded and kind of cute.

"Moments of Weakness"

I'm in a local play about a traditionally minded woman (I'm her) who learns her husband has been cheating on her. I find the title to be personally ironic.

It's pretty poorly written, the characters are all walking stereotypes, and the "point" seems to be that men are "born that way" but that doesn't excuse infidelity.

The playwright certainly "assumes" the perspective that it's a given that marriage implies monogamy, which then implies the "natural" way of men (namely, that they must "spread their seed") leads them to be unfaithful and thus this conundrum persists.

It all seems so... dated.

Gratitude

I've been struggling with some resentful feelings left with me after a mostly peaceful, amicable, and even loving, divorce. The anger that I poured my heart and energy into someone else, unconditionally supporting his dreams and desires, until the burden of that overwhelmed my own, only to be "starting over" with nothing (nothing tangible) to show for it, sticks with me. Knowing that he doesn't even regard my feelings here even having merit, without any expressed appreciation for all of that energy and support or even acknowledgment that the burden of it is what eventually ruined us, coupled with my observation (admittedly from afar) that he now is carrying his own weight (emotionally and physically) in a new relationship, which I always knew he was capable of, really just pisses me off.

So I've been trying to find a way to let go of that. A friend suggested to remember everything I do have to show for the time, so I'm starting with this list of things I am grateful for that came from my marriage (not my divorce)...


1. I learned how to express love, even in difficult, conflicted times.
2. I'm a confident, adventurous lover, if a bit limited in experience. The emotional safety of my marriage allowed me to explore my sexuality, and I don't have much difficulty expressing my needs or responding to my partner's.
3. I know a lot more music trivia than if I had not been married to a musical encyclopedia.
4. I have a deep appreciation for film that I'm not sure I would have without being inspired by the passion my former spouse expressed.
5. I am easy to live with, generally.
6. I'm someone's favorite aunt.
7. I know what I need from my relationships, and what I don't need; what I can tolerate, and what I find irritating.
8. I made many close friends through my former spouse, whether directly or indirectly.
9. I returned to doing theatre, which I always loved in high school but had given up along the way. It was helping with his shows that gave me back the "bug."


That's what I can think of for now, I'll add more as I think of them.

Lunch

I haven't been up for much grocery shopping lately. I know, I know, how odd that someone who loves to cook, who even makes a (tiny) profit from it occasionally, would have bouts of "I just don't know what to make!" Well, I did make caprese (again) the other night which required a short trip to Ward's. I bought too many tomatoes, which inspired my lunch today.

Doc had cilantro and half a lime left in my fridge from his guacamole, and I had impulsively bought dandelion greens (when I went for tomatoes) for salad, so I put this together for lunch and I must say, it was really delicious. I have leftover pesto too, so I may use it for something else tonight!

Random things from fridge wrap:

Cilantro pesto:
bunch of cilantro
walnuts
couple small pieces red onion
1/2 a lime, squeezed
splash of balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper
olive oil

I whirred it around in my mini-processor and tasted it a couple times, adding more oil and cilantro to balance the lime. Once it was right, I slathered a flour tortilla with it, arranged sliced tomatoes on top of the pesto, sprinkled shredded cheddar and swiss (pre-shredded and left over from quiche last week) over that, layered some sour cream and dandelion leaves on top, burrito-rolled it, and ate it.

I was so hungry that I didn't even wait to take a photo.

It was so. good.

Hostel in the Forest and the Veggie Bus Tour

February 20, 2011

We arrived yesterday, my boyfriend and I, and were greeted by smiling souls and pointed in the direction of our "hut," the bamboo hut, a tree house just off the main area of the Hostel. When we got up there, it became clear that the previous night's guest had not gone yet. No nap just yet, then. It was well though, because after putting our things in one corner, we set off to explore the hostel. We found the kitchen and more happy people, and put our contributions in the refrigerator. We sat by the lake, kissing.

While walking about, we were unexpectedly beckoned to join the "veggie bus tour." "Are we going somewhere, does the Hostel have a bus?," I thought, but, since we could not yet nap, we followed along, until we came to the "topsy turvy bus," pictured here:

(picture from the Teva Learning Center's website)

It was quite a sight! Jonathan and his crew from the Teva Learning Center explained to us that the bus was originally created by Tom Kennedy and his crew of "car artists" and commissioned by Ben Cohen, of Ben and Jerry's fame, to highlight government spending on defense vs. education, and how it should be "flipped." The bus was then acquired by the "White House Organic Farm Project" who lobbied to have the front lawn of the White House (all grass :( ) turned into an organic farm. Then the Obamas came and Michelle made a back yard into an organic garden where the first family gets a lot of their food. :) The Project tried to sell the bus, but couldn't, so they donated it the the Teva Learning Center, a Jewish Ecological Education center based in the Northeast. Jonathan, a project coordinator for TLC, converted the bus to run on vegetable oil, hired a crew, and the Veggie Bus Tour was born. Jonathan explained how they acquire waste oil from restaurants willing to give it to them, pump it into first a storage tank, then into a centrifuge filtering system, and then to the engine. The bus gets about eight miles per gallon, but with the extra large tanks filled, they can go up to 800 miles without stopping. They provide education about alternative fuels and other ecologically sound practices to children and adults at Jewish schools, centers, synagogues, etc. around the country. We're hoping and trying to arrange for a pass through Gainesville on their way back up Florida (they're heading to West Palm Beach this week).

Jonathan and Doc

After sitting in the bus, we met the young woman who had not yet left our hut. She had moved her things to the outside, which allowed us to make the bed and take a long afternoon nap in the sun-warmed hut. It was lovely, and we woke near dinner time, so we headed down and joined the folks around the fire, listening to stories and chatting like new friends do. I hula-hooped and thought about the uniqueness of the Hostel, and hoped for more places of peace (both between the humans passing through and/or living there and with the Earth) like it.

View from our hut

Inside the hut

After a delicious vegetarian dinner and helping wash dishes (there were about 35 of us there for dinner), I saw Gwen (who is in law school in Florida) hula-hooping with her hoop on fire. She's very graceful and the hoop appears to move around her without her effort. This was quite a sight, as well. After more fire chats, songs, and a skit by the veggie bus crew, we retire (early?) to the Bamboo hut. I brought an electric blanket from home, and I'm glad, for the sun has set and the hut is no longer warm. We make love before drifting to sleep, only to be awakened many many times by a confused rooster crowing all night! I thought they only crowed at dawn? Next time, ear plugs!

In the morning, I was aware of my discomfort being naked outdoors, even though the shower faces the woods and is quite private. Even if I could be seen, what would be the harm? I know this intellectually, but have been conditioned to these feelings. Fighting it, I enjoy the hot water which warms me only while I'm under it. The air is still quite chilly at about 9:00 am.

Returning to the hut, I see my companion is awake and we chat awhile before going to make a breakfast of bagels, Hostel eggs, over medium, and coffee. I use the last of the coffee but share by pouring small cups for all who want some. I will bring a pound of Sweetwater from Gainesville the next time I return. While chatting with another visitor, we learn of the great oak tree and nearby hammock. After packing up our things, we find it and laze a spell before heading to the beach for the afternoon.

Hammock near the oak

30. A picture of someone you miss

Shannon is one of my closest friends, and she moved to Ft. Lauderdale in the fall. We remain very close, but physical distance and busy schedules have not allowed us to see each other or even talk that frequently, and I miss going to Boca Fiesta with her. She, like me, is really an "in person" person, if you know what I mean, and even though we can keep up with one another online, nothing beats the real thing, with margaritas, of course.

29. A picture that can always make you smile

The story behind this picture is what always makes me smile. Family vacation in 2007, my niece Audrey was about five, and we were all in the hot tub after swimming for a bit in the pool. Audrey, upon entering, sitting, and feeling the bubbles, exclaimed "this is sooooooo relaxing," and we all cracked up. Maybe you have to know her to understand, but she is the most humorous child I've ever known.

28. A picture of something your afraid of

No big surprise here, right? Most of you know this is about as close as I get to a fire. I don't use lighters, and I use matches only if they are the long wooden or trigger type (so the fire is further from me). Maybe I was burned in a past life.

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

This is my Aunt Melisa. She married my Uncle Vince when I was a small child and I don't remember him without her. She's quite possibly the sweetest, most caring woman I've ever known. They met in junior high school, and still appear to be completely enamored of and devoted to each other. They have seen each other through serious health problems, losing loved ones, unemployment, and more over the past thirty years, and they still go out on dates and snuggle on the couch at family gatherings. They certainly give one hope on Valentine's Day.

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

This is a photograph of my grandmother. I know I mentioned before how close we were and how having her things helps me keep her close. Of all those things, this old photo of her as a young woman means the most, maybe because I resemble her in appearance, it serves as a reminder that I strive to resemble her in other ways, from her talent and skill in the kitchen to her expert scrabble playing, from the way she gave patient but sound criticism and advice, to the way she kept her home neat and pretty, and from her soft hands when they squeezed mine in hard moments, to her strong two armed bear hugs and little kiss on the cheek.

25. A picture of your day

This is Portobello Ravioli with a pesto cream sauce, leftover from dinner last night at O!O, aka Tapas and 'Tinis, a local restaurant and bar I met an old dear friend at for dinner last night.

Leftover cream sauce does poorly being reheated in the microwave. It doesn't look so bad when you order it, a lovely white creamy delicious sauce on plump pasta. Now it's mostly oil and I get to be reminded of just how much fat is in there. It's still tasty though, so it passes as dinner.

I read In Watermelon Sugar today (while working!). It's a short novella and I can't really believe how many years it took to get to it. There was a free version online, and it was a small beautiful tale that I'm still not sure what I make of. I liked best that "iDeath" seemed to not be the town, but the central place they cooked, ate, walked, sat on couches near rivers, and hung paintings next to trees.

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a bit cliché, but I wish I could change the world. Well, more specifically, the inhabitants of it. The organism that humans are the cells of ("society"?) is ill, I think. If I could wave my soup fairy wand and have less conflict, more peace, less greed, more kindness, less plastic, more gardens, and so on, I would.

23. A picture of your favorite book

I couldn't choose one favorite. I never can.

The Dictionary of Imaginary Places was given to me on my 9th or 10th birthday by my Grandpa. I was a very avid reader as a child and he thought it would introduce me to a whole world of classic fantasy literature. He was right, of course, though many of the books referenced in the Dictionary I have not read, satisfied with the small synopsis I did read. It goes into great detail about the backgrounds of many familiar imaginary places, like Oz, Middle Earth, Brigadoon, and Wonderland, but my favorite place was the much more obscure iDeath, "a small rural community somewhere in the United States," from In Watermelon Sugar, by Richard Brautigan, which I admit is still on the long list of books on my list to read. In iDeath, everyone eats together and there is only one industry in the town. The sun and watermelons vary in color every day and everything is made from the watermelon sugar - different colors for different types of things. It sounds like my kind of place. Anyway, I replaced my old paperback with a new edition, which includes Hogwarts from the Harry Potter series. The pages were literally falling out of the old one.

Siddartha was the first book I read with any spiritual undertones (perhaps undertones is an understatement) besides maybe parts of the Bible. It's a fictional account of a Buddha-like figure and his journey, both physical and spiritual. I am not sure why it drew me in at such a young age (I think I read it at 14 maybe) but it still holds a lot for me.

The I'd like to Teach the World to Sing coloring book from Unicef was my favorite growing up. My mom was an excellent color-er (she still is I bet) and we filled in the images with these fine felt tip pens I had. Most of the book is still uncolored, I'm not sure why, probably because I lost the pens along the way. Reading the song lyrics printed at the top of each page, I am thinking it shaped me as a human, and I can still consider it my theme song.



I'd like to build the world a home
and furnish it with love
grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
and keep it company

I'd like to see the world for once
all standing hand in hand
and hear them echo through the hills
for peace throuout the land

thats the song I hear
Let the world sing today
a song of peace
that echoes on
and never goes away

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony

I'd like to build the world a home
and funish it with love
grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
and keep it company

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

I love karaoke, but I know my limitations when it comes to performing. I would like to be less nervous, sing better, and rely less on the lyrics on the screen. It's a small thing, and I'm sure there are many many things I'd like to improve at, but it's the first that comes to mind.

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

I have no picture, because there really isn't anything I would like to forget. I've wished for that in my life, on occasions where the pain is great after whatever trauma I've experienced, but it does subside with time, and forgetting would only serve me temporarily. Then, I would not have learned the lesson I needed to (not that I will learn it for sure without repeating the experience, of course). What we experience shapes us and helps us grow, we hopefully develop new insights and wisdom along the way.

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

I would love to go to Bali. I'd also love to visit England, France, India, Singapore, Denmark, Iceland, Greece, and the Netherlands, to name a few.

19. A picture of you when you were little

I was six and visiting my grandparents in Florida (I still lived in Virginia). They took me to Disney World, the Dreher Park Zoo, and "Peter and the Wolf" outdoor ballet, which was my favorite part. I still remember the orchestra and the vibrant costumes and the wonderful narration. It was my first plane ride by myself, and it stands out as one of my fondest childhood memories.

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

I feel most insecure at work. I sometimes feel like I do an awesome job with very little or a little more effort, then boom, I get "in trouble" for something, which is very easy to do when you're a big picture person in a small detail bureaucracy.

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

divorce, yeah, it makes a big impact.

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

I am not sure I have the words to express just how much she inspires me. This woman is my closest friend, and she inspires me both by her sincere encouragement of me examining myself and my life, with profound insight, and by her own ability to live honestly. She doesn't even know just how much I admire her.

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

I've wanted a tattoo for years, but was indecisive about what to get and where to put it. Now I know, but still keep procrastinating, likely due to fear of the pain factor. I said I wanted to get it before my birthday, but I didn't. Hmmm, maybe before my next one?

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

I've had the misfortune of living for extended periods without many of the very people I could not have previously imagined living without. One of my life struggles, I think, is to come to terms with loss. Losing relationships, for me, is one of the most painful and scary things I've had to, and likely will have to again, endure.

That said, this is my sister, who is one of the only people I really and truly have no imagination of life without, and feel very confident is in it with me for the long haul.

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

Remember those musical history lessons I mentioned? I'm pretty sure at least 20 of them were about Joni. She's a brilliant songwriter, whose work has influenced generations of artists behind her, especially, but not exclusively, female ones. Her voice, once light, airy, lovely and powerful all at once, has aged into a deeper, more jaded voice, showing metaphorically her growth as a musician as well.

12. A picture of something you love

I love my friends, and what you can't see in the picture (because I ate it) is green tea creme brulee from Dragonfly.

11. A picture of something you hate

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

Photo by Shannon Jackson

I don't really do fucked up things, but when I have, it's been with Sarah. I can't even write in this post some of the things that happened when we were in New York. Some things are better left between friends, and what happens in New York, stays in New York.


Note on the photo: Halloween 2009, Sarah had a party. She was a vampire, I was Marla from Fight Club (part of the trio of course), and craziness ensued.

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

This was a hard photo to choose. I have many wonderful supportive people in my life. I rely on them when things are rough, and my dearest friends know I like to talk things through and lean on them. I can't choose one person to express how much appreciation I have for this to. No matter how wonderful they are, my friends, family, and partners cannot "get me through," anything, they can only help me find my way.

8. A picture that makes you laugh

Leila cracks me up.

7. A picture of most treasured item

I don't have a lot of attachment to "objects" in general,and mostly the things I have, though I like them, would be easily let go of. I do however, have a few "treasured items" which mostly have some sort of sentimental value or happy memory attached.

My Grandma Norma made me this pillow when I was little. I don't actually remember not having it, so she may have made it soon after I was born. We were really close, and I lost her in 2004. I have several of her things and it makes me feel good to think of her when I use them. This pillow in particular makes me smile, because it shows off her skills and creativity, some of which I like to think I inherited from her. Plus it's darned cute.

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

I would love to know what it's like to live with his sense of peace. I realize we are all as capable as he is, and that I, personally, feel much peace within myself and living in the world. I would still like to feel what he feels for a day.

5. A picture of your favorite memory

My junior year of high school, my dad won a trip for two to Hawaii from his job. He had sold the most cars that year for his dealership, which was quite an accomplishment. He took me, and as a consolation, sent my sister to Tennessee to visit a friend who had moved away. The time we spent in Hawaii, over Thanksgiving weekend, is a memory I cherish. Hawaii is beautiful, relaxed, and peaceful, and the one on one time with my dad was really special. We rented a car and drove around (literally) Oahu, caught a huge surfing competition on the north shore, stopped at hippy little roadside art (and "herb") stands, lay on the beach, ate delicious food (as well as poi, the most disgusting food I've ever had) at a luau, met cool locals, and, on the last day before we took off, went to see Mrs. Doubtfire at a cinema. I cried through the movie (it was a really funny comedy), mainly because Daniel/Mrs. Doubtfire was so close to his kids, and the relationship reminded me of my own with my dad. I looked over and he was crying too. We laughed too, mainly at how similar we are. I'm glad.

4. A picture of your night

A night with friends at Durty Nelly's, a pub I love except for the scent of cigarette smoke in the air. It was eighties night, and I admit I had a few tough moments due to songs bringing up significant memories, but overall a fun night with friends.

I've begun to think awkward situations become less so with practice, not avoidance.

A few more photos:

Day 3: A picture of the cast of your favorite show

Clockwise from bottom left: Sarah Eggar, Casey Stern, Edward "Doc" Ray, and Liddy Freeman



Closer was the first show I was involved in after a very very long break from the theatre. I was the (most awesome) stage manager (ever), and this is one of many photos of the cast. The cast, and everyone else involved, became extremely close and it was one of those theatre experiences you dream of having. The show was a success, got held over, and I can honestly say that because of my involvement, I met or got to know better about five very close friends.

The show also was prescient, in some ways, for one of the cast members, and later, for myself. The director said he often writes works or chooses projects that somehow end up relevant to his own life. He maybe should have been more careful, or maybe not. Life is art, Art is life, after all.

Day 2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

Yeah, it's my dad. I mean, we've been close since I was born, and I don't remember anything before that. He is a great dad, if a bit unconventional. When I was a kid, he gave me music lessons. Not lessons on playing an instrument (though he plays piano and guitar), but musical history lessons, specifically rock history. He would demonstrate how all rock and roll is based on three chords, and would go from song to song on the piano to demonstrate. I'm pretty sure this is why I love music so much, and especially music from when my dad was a teen/in his early twenties.

When my parents divorced, my little sister and I lived with him. That's pretty unusual, but in our case, it made the most sense. He was a single dad to two girls, one easy (me) and one...difficult (my sis), but we're both awesome adults, in no small part thanks to this old hippie.


That's him third from the left.

and now for something different: 30 pics/posts in 30 days

A new friend is doing this on her blog, and I've had other friends do "365"s - I need a smaller time commitment with some built in boundaries (I'm less creative with a blank page than with an assignment of sorts) and so I thought, "why not?.". So here we go...

1. A picture of yourself and 15 facts

1.This photo is the first one taken with my new camera. It's the first one I've had that's been all mine since I had a 110 film camera when I was about 8 or 9. The last one I shared with my ex-husband and it was more "his" than mine - it was big and bulky and expensive and I hated carrying it around. This one is tiny, easy to use, and takes great, effortless (almost) shots. We've already had great times together, and a not so great time when a friend dropped it, leaving me camera-less again for a few weeks. Glad I have this series to keep me motivated to use it every day.

2. I have a streak of absentmindedness. I forget things at home I meant to bring to work with me, or forget to call someone when I meant to, etc. etc. My ex-husband thinks it's from all the second-hand pot-smoke I inhaled as a child.

3. I have a really hard time saying no to those I love, even when it's in my best interests to do so. Sometimes even when I haven't really been asked for anything. It means I am easily taken advantage of. It's something I've been working on (a lot) but still catches me sometimes. I appreciate so much the few friends I have who check me on it, even when they are asking the favor.

4. Right now, for the first time in a long time, ALL of my closest friends (save my boyfriend) are far away physically. I cannot remedy this, I do not wish to replace them with others who are near (though I am blessed with many dear friends who are near too), and I miss them so much.

5. The first career aspiration I had was to be a singer. I'm happy to say I am one, even if the extent of my performances are karaoke and musical theatre ensembles occasionally. I don't have the best voice in the world, but it's pretty nice and I feel good using it. In fact, I am never unhappy (even when I am) if I'm singing.

6. When in doubt of something to do, I cook.

7. I don't really keep up with the news or world events, and that's fine with me. I don't think I'm less interesting or intelligent because of it.

8. Even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, even done things I am totally not proud of, I am enraged at the hint of my integrity being questioned.

9. I am really really bad at video games. My hand eye coordination, especially my left hand in general, is below average. Even with lots of practice, I get to a mediocre level at best. Same with choreographed dancing. Yet, I can and do drive a stick shift.

10. I am not good at multi-tasking. I am very good at intense focus, so if I am in the middle of something, I CANNOT hear you.

11. I really like designing little brochures and fliers. I made a friend a little cookbooklet and I think it's one of the cutest things I ever made.

12. When I get into something, I'm really enthusiastic about it, for a while at least. Right now, it's etsy, thrift stores, this one kind of pickle, beer, and hula hooping. If I especially like a product or have a favorite flavor of something, it inevitably is discontinued or made ridiculously hard to get, like the pickles.

13. I used to hate purple. I've grown to love it, and even have a purple couch.

14. Speaking of couches, most of my furniture was given to me, inherited, or purchased used for very very little money. I love (almost) every piece in my home.

15. I am very seriously considering getting rid of my old tv. I use it so rarely and mainly watch stuff on my fancy new macbook pro anyway.



Upcoming:


2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

3. A picture of the cast of your favorite show

4. A picture of your night

5. A picture of your favorite memory

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

7. A picture of most treasured item

8. A picture that makes you laugh

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

11. A picture of something you hate

12. A picture of something you love

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

19. A picture of you when you were little

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

23. A picture of your favorite book

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

25. A picture of your day

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

28. A picture of something your afraid of

29. A picture that can always make you smile

30. A picture of someone you miss

Tied and Untied

I had dinner with a former "boyfriend" from high school recently. We had not really spoken to each other since we "broke up" save a meager greeting at our ten year reunion and a less meager one last January at a memorial gathering, where we exchanged pleasantries but not much more.

In high school, we were very close. I fell in love, he broke my heart, yada yada yada, not that original a story. We ended badly and never made amends. We took separate paths and after (a long) time, he drifted from my mind/heart in the natural way. When we were close, I felt a strong attachment to him, a deep emotional connection, common bond, mutual interests, care and concern, etc. in the same way I (still) care deeply about my more recent "lost loves."

I was surprised but excited by his invitation, and I didn't know what to expect or feel, but I was open to renewing a friendship and at least reminiscing. I remember the good parts of our relationship more than the bad...really there wasn't "bad" except that it ended before I wanted it too.

So we met up, had dinner, a few laughs, and it was overall a pleasant night out exchanging stories and catching up about our lives.

...and that was it. Those deep emotions I used to have, the feeling we had a bond, connection, a "string" between us, if you will, was gone. It was like I met a new person and we were becoming acquainted. I sensed no sparkle of attraction, no real desire to keep in touch (though it was a pleasant enough evening), and I imagine the same on his end. In fact, he seemed to me a completely different person, one I would not likely choose to be involved with.

This makes me unbelievably sad. To think that in ten years I could have dinner with my more recently lost partners, friends, and loves, and not still feel some connection to them, well, it breaks my heart in a way that just losing the relationships we had doesn't. I feel a need to hold on to the strings that connect us, even while I can feel them drifting further away, and letting go of their sides of the strings.