Gratitude

I've been struggling with some resentful feelings left with me after a mostly peaceful, amicable, and even loving, divorce. The anger that I poured my heart and energy into someone else, unconditionally supporting his dreams and desires, until the burden of that overwhelmed my own, only to be "starting over" with nothing (nothing tangible) to show for it, sticks with me. Knowing that he doesn't even regard my feelings here even having merit, without any expressed appreciation for all of that energy and support or even acknowledgment that the burden of it is what eventually ruined us, coupled with my observation (admittedly from afar) that he now is carrying his own weight (emotionally and physically) in a new relationship, which I always knew he was capable of, really just pisses me off.

So I've been trying to find a way to let go of that. A friend suggested to remember everything I do have to show for the time, so I'm starting with this list of things I am grateful for that came from my marriage (not my divorce)...


1. I learned how to express love, even in difficult, conflicted times.
2. I'm a confident, adventurous lover, if a bit limited in experience. The emotional safety of my marriage allowed me to explore my sexuality, and I don't have much difficulty expressing my needs or responding to my partner's.
3. I know a lot more music trivia than if I had not been married to a musical encyclopedia.
4. I have a deep appreciation for film that I'm not sure I would have without being inspired by the passion my former spouse expressed.
5. I am easy to live with, generally.
6. I'm someone's favorite aunt.
7. I know what I need from my relationships, and what I don't need; what I can tolerate, and what I find irritating.
8. I made many close friends through my former spouse, whether directly or indirectly.
9. I returned to doing theatre, which I always loved in high school but had given up along the way. It was helping with his shows that gave me back the "bug."


That's what I can think of for now, I'll add more as I think of them.