14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

I've had the misfortune of living for extended periods without many of the very people I could not have previously imagined living without. One of my life struggles, I think, is to come to terms with loss. Losing relationships, for me, is one of the most painful and scary things I've had to, and likely will have to again, endure.

That said, this is my sister, who is one of the only people I really and truly have no imagination of life without, and feel very confident is in it with me for the long haul.

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

Remember those musical history lessons I mentioned? I'm pretty sure at least 20 of them were about Joni. She's a brilliant songwriter, whose work has influenced generations of artists behind her, especially, but not exclusively, female ones. Her voice, once light, airy, lovely and powerful all at once, has aged into a deeper, more jaded voice, showing metaphorically her growth as a musician as well.

12. A picture of something you love

I love my friends, and what you can't see in the picture (because I ate it) is green tea creme brulee from Dragonfly.

11. A picture of something you hate

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

Photo by Shannon Jackson

I don't really do fucked up things, but when I have, it's been with Sarah. I can't even write in this post some of the things that happened when we were in New York. Some things are better left between friends, and what happens in New York, stays in New York.


Note on the photo: Halloween 2009, Sarah had a party. She was a vampire, I was Marla from Fight Club (part of the trio of course), and craziness ensued.

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

This was a hard photo to choose. I have many wonderful supportive people in my life. I rely on them when things are rough, and my dearest friends know I like to talk things through and lean on them. I can't choose one person to express how much appreciation I have for this to. No matter how wonderful they are, my friends, family, and partners cannot "get me through," anything, they can only help me find my way.

8. A picture that makes you laugh

Leila cracks me up.

7. A picture of most treasured item

I don't have a lot of attachment to "objects" in general,and mostly the things I have, though I like them, would be easily let go of. I do however, have a few "treasured items" which mostly have some sort of sentimental value or happy memory attached.

My Grandma Norma made me this pillow when I was little. I don't actually remember not having it, so she may have made it soon after I was born. We were really close, and I lost her in 2004. I have several of her things and it makes me feel good to think of her when I use them. This pillow in particular makes me smile, because it shows off her skills and creativity, some of which I like to think I inherited from her. Plus it's darned cute.

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

I would love to know what it's like to live with his sense of peace. I realize we are all as capable as he is, and that I, personally, feel much peace within myself and living in the world. I would still like to feel what he feels for a day.

5. A picture of your favorite memory

My junior year of high school, my dad won a trip for two to Hawaii from his job. He had sold the most cars that year for his dealership, which was quite an accomplishment. He took me, and as a consolation, sent my sister to Tennessee to visit a friend who had moved away. The time we spent in Hawaii, over Thanksgiving weekend, is a memory I cherish. Hawaii is beautiful, relaxed, and peaceful, and the one on one time with my dad was really special. We rented a car and drove around (literally) Oahu, caught a huge surfing competition on the north shore, stopped at hippy little roadside art (and "herb") stands, lay on the beach, ate delicious food (as well as poi, the most disgusting food I've ever had) at a luau, met cool locals, and, on the last day before we took off, went to see Mrs. Doubtfire at a cinema. I cried through the movie (it was a really funny comedy), mainly because Daniel/Mrs. Doubtfire was so close to his kids, and the relationship reminded me of my own with my dad. I looked over and he was crying too. We laughed too, mainly at how similar we are. I'm glad.

4. A picture of your night

A night with friends at Durty Nelly's, a pub I love except for the scent of cigarette smoke in the air. It was eighties night, and I admit I had a few tough moments due to songs bringing up significant memories, but overall a fun night with friends.

I've begun to think awkward situations become less so with practice, not avoidance.

A few more photos:

Day 3: A picture of the cast of your favorite show

Clockwise from bottom left: Sarah Eggar, Casey Stern, Edward "Doc" Ray, and Liddy Freeman



Closer was the first show I was involved in after a very very long break from the theatre. I was the (most awesome) stage manager (ever), and this is one of many photos of the cast. The cast, and everyone else involved, became extremely close and it was one of those theatre experiences you dream of having. The show was a success, got held over, and I can honestly say that because of my involvement, I met or got to know better about five very close friends.

The show also was prescient, in some ways, for one of the cast members, and later, for myself. The director said he often writes works or chooses projects that somehow end up relevant to his own life. He maybe should have been more careful, or maybe not. Life is art, Art is life, after all.

Day 2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

Yeah, it's my dad. I mean, we've been close since I was born, and I don't remember anything before that. He is a great dad, if a bit unconventional. When I was a kid, he gave me music lessons. Not lessons on playing an instrument (though he plays piano and guitar), but musical history lessons, specifically rock history. He would demonstrate how all rock and roll is based on three chords, and would go from song to song on the piano to demonstrate. I'm pretty sure this is why I love music so much, and especially music from when my dad was a teen/in his early twenties.

When my parents divorced, my little sister and I lived with him. That's pretty unusual, but in our case, it made the most sense. He was a single dad to two girls, one easy (me) and one...difficult (my sis), but we're both awesome adults, in no small part thanks to this old hippie.


That's him third from the left.

and now for something different: 30 pics/posts in 30 days

A new friend is doing this on her blog, and I've had other friends do "365"s - I need a smaller time commitment with some built in boundaries (I'm less creative with a blank page than with an assignment of sorts) and so I thought, "why not?.". So here we go...

1. A picture of yourself and 15 facts

1.This photo is the first one taken with my new camera. It's the first one I've had that's been all mine since I had a 110 film camera when I was about 8 or 9. The last one I shared with my ex-husband and it was more "his" than mine - it was big and bulky and expensive and I hated carrying it around. This one is tiny, easy to use, and takes great, effortless (almost) shots. We've already had great times together, and a not so great time when a friend dropped it, leaving me camera-less again for a few weeks. Glad I have this series to keep me motivated to use it every day.

2. I have a streak of absentmindedness. I forget things at home I meant to bring to work with me, or forget to call someone when I meant to, etc. etc. My ex-husband thinks it's from all the second-hand pot-smoke I inhaled as a child.

3. I have a really hard time saying no to those I love, even when it's in my best interests to do so. Sometimes even when I haven't really been asked for anything. It means I am easily taken advantage of. It's something I've been working on (a lot) but still catches me sometimes. I appreciate so much the few friends I have who check me on it, even when they are asking the favor.

4. Right now, for the first time in a long time, ALL of my closest friends (save my boyfriend) are far away physically. I cannot remedy this, I do not wish to replace them with others who are near (though I am blessed with many dear friends who are near too), and I miss them so much.

5. The first career aspiration I had was to be a singer. I'm happy to say I am one, even if the extent of my performances are karaoke and musical theatre ensembles occasionally. I don't have the best voice in the world, but it's pretty nice and I feel good using it. In fact, I am never unhappy (even when I am) if I'm singing.

6. When in doubt of something to do, I cook.

7. I don't really keep up with the news or world events, and that's fine with me. I don't think I'm less interesting or intelligent because of it.

8. Even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, even done things I am totally not proud of, I am enraged at the hint of my integrity being questioned.

9. I am really really bad at video games. My hand eye coordination, especially my left hand in general, is below average. Even with lots of practice, I get to a mediocre level at best. Same with choreographed dancing. Yet, I can and do drive a stick shift.

10. I am not good at multi-tasking. I am very good at intense focus, so if I am in the middle of something, I CANNOT hear you.

11. I really like designing little brochures and fliers. I made a friend a little cookbooklet and I think it's one of the cutest things I ever made.

12. When I get into something, I'm really enthusiastic about it, for a while at least. Right now, it's etsy, thrift stores, this one kind of pickle, beer, and hula hooping. If I especially like a product or have a favorite flavor of something, it inevitably is discontinued or made ridiculously hard to get, like the pickles.

13. I used to hate purple. I've grown to love it, and even have a purple couch.

14. Speaking of couches, most of my furniture was given to me, inherited, or purchased used for very very little money. I love (almost) every piece in my home.

15. I am very seriously considering getting rid of my old tv. I use it so rarely and mainly watch stuff on my fancy new macbook pro anyway.



Upcoming:


2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

3. A picture of the cast of your favorite show

4. A picture of your night

5. A picture of your favorite memory

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

7. A picture of most treasured item

8. A picture that makes you laugh

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

11. A picture of something you hate

12. A picture of something you love

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

19. A picture of you when you were little

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

23. A picture of your favorite book

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

25. A picture of your day

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

28. A picture of something your afraid of

29. A picture that can always make you smile

30. A picture of someone you miss

Tied and Untied

I had dinner with a former "boyfriend" from high school recently. We had not really spoken to each other since we "broke up" save a meager greeting at our ten year reunion and a less meager one last January at a memorial gathering, where we exchanged pleasantries but not much more.

In high school, we were very close. I fell in love, he broke my heart, yada yada yada, not that original a story. We ended badly and never made amends. We took separate paths and after (a long) time, he drifted from my mind/heart in the natural way. When we were close, I felt a strong attachment to him, a deep emotional connection, common bond, mutual interests, care and concern, etc. in the same way I (still) care deeply about my more recent "lost loves."

I was surprised but excited by his invitation, and I didn't know what to expect or feel, but I was open to renewing a friendship and at least reminiscing. I remember the good parts of our relationship more than the bad...really there wasn't "bad" except that it ended before I wanted it too.

So we met up, had dinner, a few laughs, and it was overall a pleasant night out exchanging stories and catching up about our lives.

...and that was it. Those deep emotions I used to have, the feeling we had a bond, connection, a "string" between us, if you will, was gone. It was like I met a new person and we were becoming acquainted. I sensed no sparkle of attraction, no real desire to keep in touch (though it was a pleasant enough evening), and I imagine the same on his end. In fact, he seemed to me a completely different person, one I would not likely choose to be involved with.

This makes me unbelievably sad. To think that in ten years I could have dinner with my more recently lost partners, friends, and loves, and not still feel some connection to them, well, it breaks my heart in a way that just losing the relationships we had doesn't. I feel a need to hold on to the strings that connect us, even while I can feel them drifting further away, and letting go of their sides of the strings.