a new chapter

My dad and i share a love for music, and we have a little routine where he starts playing and i start singing. This is how i learned to sing when i was young, and whenever we perform in the living room, it's a cherished moment. We have "songs" that remind me of moments from childhood, "our" song ("That's what Friends are For" - Dionne Warwick and friends) that describes my relationship with my dad at its best, others that we just both love. My dad has a binder with sheet music for most every song the beatles recorded, and during a very sad and painful weekend back in July, we were doing one Beatles tune after another when we came to "For No One."

“For No One” by the Beatles

Your day breaks, your mind aches,
You find that all her words of kindness linger on,
When she no longer needs you.

She wakes up, she makes up,
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry,
She no longer needs you.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

You want her, you need her,
And yet you don't believe her,
When she says her love is dead,
You think she needs you.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

You stay home, she goes out,
She says that long ago she knew someone but now,
He's gone, she doesn't need him.

Your day breaks, your mind aches,
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head,
You won't forget her.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

I couldn't finish the song, for tears were raining down my face and my voice became very weak. I quickly turned the page and focused on another, so that my husband would hopefully not notice my reaction to the song or the song itself. It's one example of the lengths I've gone to hide myself from him over the past year or so, fears of what my emotions, or lack thereof, meant, overwhelming the potential relief that would come from "coming clean." That phrase sticks in my mind, as now that's how i feel. Though there is much instability and uncertainty, I feel clean and unmuddy.

And so now we've turned a page, and my goal in moving forward is to feel the truth inside me, to share it without hesitation, and to remain unattached to the outcome. Believe it or not, this may prove to be a great effort for me, but i'm now willing to undertake it.