I have friends whose influence on me could not be more positive. I am going to listen to them.
One said to me last night that I may be taking comfort in continuing to feel the way I do, that sometimes the familiar pain can be easier than letting it go, and that it is only a conversation with myself at this point. She recommended a ceremony to finally break free, and I am thinking of little ceremonies I can use to clear out the emotional clutter left behind that is no longer serving me.
It is not the first time the idea has surfaced, I just realize now that it is the only way.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Break
Maybe I should take a break from everything for a while. I spend a lot of time doing. Things for others, things for me, but I don't often just sit still with myself. So after the play closes this weekend, I'm going to quit the Kickstand, not help with another show, and just go to work every day and try to spend quality time with myself. I know this sounds like a lot of people who complain they are overextended, need their "me" time, and excuse themselves from dinner with the kids to take a bath, but it isn't that. I enjoy my life very much, and love the people in it, and the activities I involve myself in, but I use those things (my friends, my hobbies, etc.) maybe a little too much to fill every day with distraction, when maybe I need to get a little inside.
I recently applied for a part-time position as an on call victim advocate, which was filled before I applied. I'll take that as a sign it isn't time just yet for me to take on something else. Maybe if they have another opening in a few months.
In the me(an)time, I'm going to redecorate my house and make lots of delicious food.
I recently applied for a part-time position as an on call victim advocate, which was filled before I applied. I'll take that as a sign it isn't time just yet for me to take on something else. Maybe if they have another opening in a few months.
In the me(an)time, I'm going to redecorate my house and make lots of delicious food.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Circle
"You have been to hell, Ketut?"
He smiled. Of course he's been there.
"What's it like in hell?"
"Same like in heaven," he said.
He saw my confusion and tried to explain. "Universe is a circle, Liss."
He said. "To up, to down -- all same, at end."
I remembered an old Christian mystic notion: As above, so below.
I asked. "Then how can you tell the difference between heaven and hell?"
"Because of how you go. Heaven, you go up, through seven happy places. Hell, you go down, through seven sad places. This is why it better for you to go up, Liss." He laughed.
"Same-same," he said. "Same in end, so better to be happy in journey."
I said, "So, if heaven is love, then hell is.. "
"Love, too," he said.
Ketut laughed again, "Always so difficult for young people to understand this!"
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
He smiled. Of course he's been there.
"What's it like in hell?"
"Same like in heaven," he said.
He saw my confusion and tried to explain. "Universe is a circle, Liss."
He said. "To up, to down -- all same, at end."
I remembered an old Christian mystic notion: As above, so below.
I asked. "Then how can you tell the difference between heaven and hell?"
"Because of how you go. Heaven, you go up, through seven happy places. Hell, you go down, through seven sad places. This is why it better for you to go up, Liss." He laughed.
"Same-same," he said. "Same in end, so better to be happy in journey."
I said, "So, if heaven is love, then hell is.. "
"Love, too," he said.
Ketut laughed again, "Always so difficult for young people to understand this!"
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Spring
"Whenever there is turmoil in a relationship, I think if truth is pursued, the relationship will take it's proper form."
A dear friend said this to me the other day and it keeps turning over in my mind. We were chatting after he gave me a massage in the beautiful sunshine, a trade for my feeding him. It is a study in mutual benefit and giving we only recently got back to after quite a long time. He and I have an easy friendship that tends to come and go, but does so with ease.
If only all of my relationships could exist this way. But of course, then I would not have anything to help me appreciate this one.
Hopefully soon, the rest of mine will take their "proper forms," whatever they may be, and I will feel more ease with those I care most about.
A dear friend said this to me the other day and it keeps turning over in my mind. We were chatting after he gave me a massage in the beautiful sunshine, a trade for my feeding him. It is a study in mutual benefit and giving we only recently got back to after quite a long time. He and I have an easy friendship that tends to come and go, but does so with ease.
If only all of my relationships could exist this way. But of course, then I would not have anything to help me appreciate this one.
Hopefully soon, the rest of mine will take their "proper forms," whatever they may be, and I will feel more ease with those I care most about.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
a new chapter
My dad and i share a love for music, and we have a little routine where he starts playing and i start singing. This is how i learned to sing when i was young, and whenever we perform in the living room, it's a cherished moment. We have "songs" that remind me of moments from childhood, "our" song ("That's what Friends are For" - Dionne Warwick and friends) that describes my relationship with my dad at its best, others that we just both love. My dad has a binder with sheet music for most every song the beatles recorded, and during a very sad and painful weekend back in July, we were doing one Beatles tune after another when we came to "For No One."
“For No One” by the Beatles
Your day breaks, your mind aches,
You find that all her words of kindness linger on,
When she no longer needs you.
She wakes up, she makes up,
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry,
She no longer needs you.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
You want her, you need her,
And yet you don't believe her,
When she says her love is dead,
You think she needs you.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
You stay home, she goes out,
She says that long ago she knew someone but now,
He's gone, she doesn't need him.
Your day breaks, your mind aches,
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head,
You won't forget her.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
I couldn't finish the song, for tears were raining down my face and my voice became very weak. I quickly turned the page and focused on another, so that my husband would hopefully not notice my reaction to the song or the song itself. It's one example of the lengths I've gone to hide myself from him over the past year or so, fears of what my emotions, or lack thereof, meant, overwhelming the potential relief that would come from "coming clean." That phrase sticks in my mind, as now that's how i feel. Though there is much instability and uncertainty, I feel clean and unmuddy.
And so now we've turned a page, and my goal in moving forward is to feel the truth inside me, to share it without hesitation, and to remain unattached to the outcome. Believe it or not, this may prove to be a great effort for me, but i'm now willing to undertake it.
“For No One” by the Beatles
Your day breaks, your mind aches,
You find that all her words of kindness linger on,
When she no longer needs you.
She wakes up, she makes up,
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry,
She no longer needs you.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
You want her, you need her,
And yet you don't believe her,
When she says her love is dead,
You think she needs you.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
You stay home, she goes out,
She says that long ago she knew someone but now,
He's gone, she doesn't need him.
Your day breaks, your mind aches,
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head,
You won't forget her.
And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.
I couldn't finish the song, for tears were raining down my face and my voice became very weak. I quickly turned the page and focused on another, so that my husband would hopefully not notice my reaction to the song or the song itself. It's one example of the lengths I've gone to hide myself from him over the past year or so, fears of what my emotions, or lack thereof, meant, overwhelming the potential relief that would come from "coming clean." That phrase sticks in my mind, as now that's how i feel. Though there is much instability and uncertainty, I feel clean and unmuddy.
And so now we've turned a page, and my goal in moving forward is to feel the truth inside me, to share it without hesitation, and to remain unattached to the outcome. Believe it or not, this may prove to be a great effort for me, but i'm now willing to undertake it.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Resolution update
I love how when you make these lists, they seem to happen as if by magic. It isn't magic of course, but when I put down my New Year's resolutions in August, my intent was planted.
so here's an update:
1. Auditions - for Singin' in the Rain, Independence, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf: Well, I got into Singin', so I couldn't audition for Independence. I missed Virginia Woolf auditions, but I think the cast is great and it would have taken too much time from my souping. Singin' in the Rain was great fun, if exhausting. I learned some lessons from it too.
2. Work on some financial stuff - it's happening, alongside the other stuff.
3. Once weather cools, be the Soup Fairy - Stay tuned. Very soon, I will wave my soup wand all over this town.
4. Finally write the food blog and keep it up: Okay, I've not yet started, but it is in mind. I might do Examiner to hold myself accountable.
5. Help with hubby's next play: am helping, will be costumer. Cast is gelling, everyone is fun and gets along great!
6. Start Hypnotherapy program in March 2010: a little afraid I won't be able to afford it. pushing that thought out of my mind.
7. Throw some little parties with friends more often: done and doing.
so I guess i disagree with the whole "announcing plans makes one less likely to follow through" theory...
so here's an update:
1. Auditions - for Singin' in the Rain, Independence, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf: Well, I got into Singin', so I couldn't audition for Independence. I missed Virginia Woolf auditions, but I think the cast is great and it would have taken too much time from my souping. Singin' in the Rain was great fun, if exhausting. I learned some lessons from it too.
2. Work on some financial stuff - it's happening, alongside the other stuff.
3. Once weather cools, be the Soup Fairy - Stay tuned. Very soon, I will wave my soup wand all over this town.
4. Finally write the food blog and keep it up: Okay, I've not yet started, but it is in mind. I might do Examiner to hold myself accountable.
5. Help with hubby's next play: am helping, will be costumer. Cast is gelling, everyone is fun and gets along great!
6. Start Hypnotherapy program in March 2010: a little afraid I won't be able to afford it. pushing that thought out of my mind.
7. Throw some little parties with friends more often: done and doing.
so I guess i disagree with the whole "announcing plans makes one less likely to follow through" theory...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Insight
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
Excerpts from this article, which is also the first chapter of NurtureShock: New thinking about children, which I am currently reading.:
"For a few decades, it’s been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.
When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short."
and
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”
This is all so very common sense, isn't it? Thinking about my own childhood and early school experiences, it explains so much of my personal struggles with taking on new challenges, "coasting" through school (and work) by taking "the easy way," and even my difficulties getting over personal "failures" into adulthood.
Holy Cannoli!
Excerpts from this article, which is also the first chapter of NurtureShock: New thinking about children, which I am currently reading.:
"For a few decades, it’s been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.
When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short."
and
“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”
This is all so very common sense, isn't it? Thinking about my own childhood and early school experiences, it explains so much of my personal struggles with taking on new challenges, "coasting" through school (and work) by taking "the easy way," and even my difficulties getting over personal "failures" into adulthood.
Holy Cannoli!
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