New Year's Resolutions - in August.

It's been an entire year since I posted about finding what I think may be the next step in my path, and though I am only inches down it, I am still committed to walking it. It has been a year more trying than any other, in my life and in my relationships. I have realized I have only been in my own way all along, and it's up to me to create the life I want. So, here's the idea for the next year, put out there for all to see:

1. Auditions - for Singing in the Rain, Independence, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

2. Work on some financial stuff.

3. Once weather cools, be the Soup Fairy.

4. Finally write the food blog and keep it up.

5. Help with hubby's next play.

6. Start Hypnotherapy program in March 2010.

7. Throw some little parties with friends more often.

Learned

I can sometimes be selfish, irresponsible, dishonest, cold, and even a little mean, and yet those who love me, still love me.

I resist change in myriads of ways, but I do take risks, mainly with my "heart."

My emotions are like water, they flow right around and over the haphazard walls I try to build.

I usually nurture others, and have had trouble being assertive. Apparently, this may be a recipe for co-dependence.

I don't necessarily see the truth right in front of me until much too late.

We all share a responsibility to ourselves and those around us, but no one needs to accept blame after the fact.

I may only have the present and can make choices to affect the future, but letting go of what's past remains the most difficult.

"Love" may change, but it never leaves.

Aftermath

I am a broken record, with a deep scratch along one side, which keeps getting stuck on the same old line. Gently, you lift the record and move it just ahead of the scratch, and I keep moving for a little while, until I get stuck again. Hopefully soon we'll flip to the B-side, where there is no scratch, and the line I get stuck on is a distant memory.

Fire Part 2

The fall was soft and slow
not hard and fast
like the first time
so I was taken unawares
found myself
in orbit
Unprepared for when the
warm, playful glances
innocent touches and
gravity
finally revealed
the glowing wreckage

I have this friend...

who I am completely honest with. I can feel the electric twinkly strings that connect us. She is full of drama, passion, art, history, and love. and we don't know each other all that well. but we do.

sometimes it hits me hard that in this thing called life we find the right people, we are drawn to those we decided to travel with, that it's magical and mysterious but so very simple.

and I'm grateful.

Setback

I've been inside my head a lot lately. Oh, sure, I seem to be as conversational as ever, an open book emotionally-speaking, but there's something happening here.

This last year has been full of new experiences, endless joy, excitement of new friendships together with the ease and comfort of old ones. I have grown more myself than ever, and yet...yesterday I was hiding.

I was just sad. A little teary here and there, feeling insecure, awkward, and uncomfortable. I couldn't articulate it yesterday, and I'm sure today, now that it has passed, won't be much different. I let it flow through, as suggested by someone whose perspective I admire, though he'd wish for no admiration. I appreciate that he noticed.

I realize days like these make for appreciating the better ones, but I have this drive to get to the bottom of things.

I love intensely, and deeply, and I think I've been spreading it around too much to be reciprocated. I've needed friends to listen, to lean on, and I know I have them. I'm so grateful for that, but so hesitant to ask. Then I'm disappointed when my mind is not read and no one comes to the rescue.

On top of that, I write this and set it out into the world, and expect that no one is reading it except the one who doesn't really need to.

Fire

flirt
dance
circle, sparkle
my mind wanders, wonders where the edge is.
my fingers speak silently,
daring not share
what I already have.
knowing I shouldn't, but wanting
there is danger here.
I cannot be trusted to follow rules
I did not make them.
We did not make them.

I show my self.
Would we crumble?
we tease,
we joke.
we don't.