and now for something different: 30 pics/posts in 30 days

A new friend is doing this on her blog, and I've had other friends do "365"s - I need a smaller time commitment with some built in boundaries (I'm less creative with a blank page than with an assignment of sorts) and so I thought, "why not?.". So here we go...

1. A picture of yourself and 15 facts

1.This photo is the first one taken with my new camera. It's the first one I've had that's been all mine since I had a 110 film camera when I was about 8 or 9. The last one I shared with my ex-husband and it was more "his" than mine - it was big and bulky and expensive and I hated carrying it around. This one is tiny, easy to use, and takes great, effortless (almost) shots. We've already had great times together, and a not so great time when a friend dropped it, leaving me camera-less again for a few weeks. Glad I have this series to keep me motivated to use it every day.

2. I have a streak of absentmindedness. I forget things at home I meant to bring to work with me, or forget to call someone when I meant to, etc. etc. My ex-husband thinks it's from all the second-hand pot-smoke I inhaled as a child.

3. I have a really hard time saying no to those I love, even when it's in my best interests to do so. Sometimes even when I haven't really been asked for anything. It means I am easily taken advantage of. It's something I've been working on (a lot) but still catches me sometimes. I appreciate so much the few friends I have who check me on it, even when they are asking the favor.

4. Right now, for the first time in a long time, ALL of my closest friends (save my boyfriend) are far away physically. I cannot remedy this, I do not wish to replace them with others who are near (though I am blessed with many dear friends who are near too), and I miss them so much.

5. The first career aspiration I had was to be a singer. I'm happy to say I am one, even if the extent of my performances are karaoke and musical theatre ensembles occasionally. I don't have the best voice in the world, but it's pretty nice and I feel good using it. In fact, I am never unhappy (even when I am) if I'm singing.

6. When in doubt of something to do, I cook.

7. I don't really keep up with the news or world events, and that's fine with me. I don't think I'm less interesting or intelligent because of it.

8. Even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, even done things I am totally not proud of, I am enraged at the hint of my integrity being questioned.

9. I am really really bad at video games. My hand eye coordination, especially my left hand in general, is below average. Even with lots of practice, I get to a mediocre level at best. Same with choreographed dancing. Yet, I can and do drive a stick shift.

10. I am not good at multi-tasking. I am very good at intense focus, so if I am in the middle of something, I CANNOT hear you.

11. I really like designing little brochures and fliers. I made a friend a little cookbooklet and I think it's one of the cutest things I ever made.

12. When I get into something, I'm really enthusiastic about it, for a while at least. Right now, it's etsy, thrift stores, this one kind of pickle, beer, and hula hooping. If I especially like a product or have a favorite flavor of something, it inevitably is discontinued or made ridiculously hard to get, like the pickles.

13. I used to hate purple. I've grown to love it, and even have a purple couch.

14. Speaking of couches, most of my furniture was given to me, inherited, or purchased used for very very little money. I love (almost) every piece in my home.

15. I am very seriously considering getting rid of my old tv. I use it so rarely and mainly watch stuff on my fancy new macbook pro anyway.



Upcoming:


2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

3. A picture of the cast of your favorite show

4. A picture of your night

5. A picture of your favorite memory

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

7. A picture of most treasured item

8. A picture that makes you laugh

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

11. A picture of something you hate

12. A picture of something you love

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

19. A picture of you when you were little

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

23. A picture of your favorite book

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

25. A picture of your day

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

28. A picture of something your afraid of

29. A picture that can always make you smile

30. A picture of someone you miss

Tied and Untied

I had dinner with a former "boyfriend" from high school recently. We had not really spoken to each other since we "broke up" save a meager greeting at our ten year reunion and a less meager one last January at a memorial gathering, where we exchanged pleasantries but not much more.

In high school, we were very close. I fell in love, he broke my heart, yada yada yada, not that original a story. We ended badly and never made amends. We took separate paths and after (a long) time, he drifted from my mind/heart in the natural way. When we were close, I felt a strong attachment to him, a deep emotional connection, common bond, mutual interests, care and concern, etc. in the same way I (still) care deeply about my more recent "lost loves."

I was surprised but excited by his invitation, and I didn't know what to expect or feel, but I was open to renewing a friendship and at least reminiscing. I remember the good parts of our relationship more than the bad...really there wasn't "bad" except that it ended before I wanted it too.

So we met up, had dinner, a few laughs, and it was overall a pleasant night out exchanging stories and catching up about our lives.

...and that was it. Those deep emotions I used to have, the feeling we had a bond, connection, a "string" between us, if you will, was gone. It was like I met a new person and we were becoming acquainted. I sensed no sparkle of attraction, no real desire to keep in touch (though it was a pleasant enough evening), and I imagine the same on his end. In fact, he seemed to me a completely different person, one I would not likely choose to be involved with.

This makes me unbelievably sad. To think that in ten years I could have dinner with my more recently lost partners, friends, and loves, and not still feel some connection to them, well, it breaks my heart in a way that just losing the relationships we had doesn't. I feel a need to hold on to the strings that connect us, even while I can feel them drifting further away, and letting go of their sides of the strings.

Hand Towels

I have this thing about them. They have to be folded in half, with the tag to the inside and draped over the bar with the tag in the back and the "fold" toward the center, so that the two identical towels are symmetrical and neat in appearance.

I don't make my bed daily or mop my floors, well, ever. But the towels must stay perfect.

No one else who visits my bathroom notices they are this way, and I quietly fix them each time someone has used them and draped them back incorrectly. I needn't worry others with this small anal idiosyncrasy of mine.

I recall one of the first times an important character in my life came to my house. He commented that it was nice we had hand towels, that it's a small detail that he appreciates that often people miss. I think it's nice to have a place to dry your hands that doesn't seem to be someone's used bath towel.

Connect the dots, la la la la

I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of hospital lobby or some institutional type of place, it was in another city...maybe Orlando? While there, I ran into Karen Rausch, a friend from high school who I was always fond of. In the dream, I was so excited to see her (in reality, we lost touch after college, and she isn't even on facebook), gave her huge hug, and then she went back to work (she worked wherever I was - they were all wearing blue). Then I mistook someone else for her, talked to this other woman in blue who resembled Karen, and exchanged numbers with her before realizing it wasn't Karen. Then Karen found me again, and we exchanged emails. Later I got an email from her saying "the coke broke me up" I'm sure you could tell by my teeth (?)...in the dream I recall thinking how I hadn't noticed and never suspected she'd done drugs, and that I should tell Eric, a mutual friend of ours in college, that I ran into her...

Karen was in chorus with me, had perfect pitch and a beautiful voice, and I haven't thought of her in years. Why now, or is her character in my dream something else? What is it telling me? Hmmm?

Wisdom of friends

I have friends whose influence on me could not be more positive. I am going to listen to them.

One said to me last night that I may be taking comfort in continuing to feel the way I do, that sometimes the familiar pain can be easier than letting it go, and that it is only a conversation with myself at this point. She recommended a ceremony to finally break free, and I am thinking of little ceremonies I can use to clear out the emotional clutter left behind that is no longer serving me.

It is not the first time the idea has surfaced, I just realize now that it is the only way.

Break

Maybe I should take a break from everything for a while. I spend a lot of time doing. Things for others, things for me, but I don't often just sit still with myself. So after the play closes this weekend, I'm going to quit the Kickstand, not help with another show, and just go to work every day and try to spend quality time with myself. I know this sounds like a lot of people who complain they are overextended, need their "me" time, and excuse themselves from dinner with the kids to take a bath, but it isn't that. I enjoy my life very much, and love the people in it, and the activities I involve myself in, but I use those things (my friends, my hobbies, etc.) maybe a little too much to fill every day with distraction, when maybe I need to get a little inside.

I recently applied for a part-time position as an on call victim advocate, which was filled before I applied. I'll take that as a sign it isn't time just yet for me to take on something else. Maybe if they have another opening in a few months.

In the me(an)time, I'm going to redecorate my house and make lots of delicious food.

Circle

"You have been to hell, Ketut?"
He smiled. Of course he's been there.
"What's it like in hell?"
"Same like in heaven," he said.
He saw my confusion and tried to explain. "Universe is a circle, Liss."
He said. "To up, to down -- all same, at end."
I remembered an old Christian mystic notion: As above, so below.
I asked. "Then how can you tell the difference between heaven and hell?"
"Because of how you go. Heaven, you go up, through seven happy places. Hell, you go down, through seven sad places. This is why it better for you to go up, Liss." He laughed.
"Same-same," he said. "Same in end, so better to be happy in journey."
I said, "So, if heaven is love, then hell is.. "
"Love, too," he said.
Ketut laughed again, "Always so difficult for young people to understand this!"
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)