Sssshhhhhh!!!! She may have found something...

I'm still in the early exploration stages, so I'll not say too much...but I might have found a suitable option, something that will allow me to use my natural strengths to help others as individuals in a real, deep, meaningful way, while answering only to myself, without dealing too much with crises or with people who don't really want or need my services.

These are really the main issues at the heart of my current dissatisfaction work-wise, after all.

I'll keep you posted.

On "the issues"

So, how do I support my views? Here's an excerpt (clarified as needed for my audience in italics) from my response to that friend I mentioned in the last post:

I am certainly ill-equipped to speak much about Iraq, except that I know before Saddam and the first Gulf War it was a thriving, modern, egalitarian country with literacy, education, and property rights for all (I know only because I had a dear friend who had to leave when it changed, she was a prime example of their highly educated, successful, high-status women). Of course we might be (our military, rather) trying to help them regain that. Now that we're there, what else can we do? I do not watch the current news or keep up much anymore, I will admit. BUT we are not at war or reconstructing every nation where oppression, massacres, mutilation, and poverty reign: only in those where we have an economic interest.

I think there are liberals and conservatives and those in between in every state. I'm sure with all the great wealth in LA (my friend used to live in LA and commented on the largely conservative public) there is an abundance of Republicanism. Mainly because to a large degree they are the politicians who allow the ultra-wealthy and huge corporations to become more so by providing tax subsidies for them to pocket while cutting budgets for programs like the one I work in, although Democrats do this too, which is what sickens and saddens me about our policy and politics.

I understand a tax cut is felt in your pocket, but your salary and mine are paid by those taxes. The program I manage receives federal money, which they've received less and less of, while the costs of operating the program have gone up, so, while I haven't been compensated fairly, I've been asked to stretch my already tight budget to provide for my 100+ low-income volunteers who help many of those very students who aren't getting the best education because they happen to live in poverty. Not their fault, but you have to admit they'll have a hell of a time getting out of it. College isn't even on their radar, and how would they ever get to India? I couldn't even go to India for a job if I wanted to. Which I don't. (My friend mentioned that people who "choose not go to college", in this competitive, global market, may have to move to India or China, if that's where the jobs are).

But at the same time, a SuperWalmart was built down the road and the County, with tax money, helped them with it, by providing infrastructure and with direct tax breaks. Woo-hoo, they gave a bunch of people minimum wage jobs. If they passed more profits on to their employees and provided health care, etc. etc. etc. I'd maybe be okay with that, but they only keep their workers dependent on them and do not allow them to develop much further. Not to mention sucking money out of the local economy and sending it to their few rich shareholders.

My friend thinks we don't need tax-supported health care, siting that in Japan, the elderly are revered and cared for by the younger generations.

If we had a utopia where our culture understood and taught the young to care for our families and elderly, and to take care of their bodies better, then yes, there would be no need for governmental support for health care. Sadly, we live in a place controlled by marketing and corporations, where children are taught to stay inside because the woods are scary, so they watch TV and grow obese and need diabetes medicine later on. Not all kids, but it is getting worse. But then again, there would still be a need for medical systems since not all illness and injuries are caused by our poor lifestyle habits. I agree in general though that the government should not necessarily provide the insurance themselves. They simply don't do a great job. I don't have a solution, but high insurance premiums affect me too, which are caused by all those people in our culture who are sicker and sicker because of lifestyle issues. I take care of myself and need very little medical attention, but I pay dearly for the "just in case of emergency." A big problem to me is that our policy-makers make it easier and easier for the public to be manipulated by corporate marketing and duped by our media, so most have no idea how they are actually affected directly, and then they do not participate and allow it to continue.

My friend doesn't "care" about global warming since he is not personally a big contributor to it nor does he feel the impact himself (he makes decisions largely based on how they affect him personally).

I don't really care if global warming is, in fact, a reality (which of course I think it is based on my personal research which may not be comprehensive). I think that there are plenty of other reasons to try to live in better balance with the earth. I think we, as a whole, simply use too much (and the US way more than it's share) of our resources and that can't go on forever. This will cause problems not so much for the earth, but for people. Yes, I still use gas and electricity, but I try to do my part to reduce my own need, both for selfish reasons (less $ spent for me) and because if I ride my bike to work a few times a week, those resources last that much longer as a whole. I agree (with my friend) that new technologies and more sustainable energy sources are being developed by those same industries (that produce gasoline and drill for oil, for example), which I think is appropriate, but I think there's room for smaller companies and individuals too. Certainly we have enough knowledge at this point that we don't need to start new drilling or open new coal burning power plants.

This was my "closing statement":

Anyway, I didn't really intend to "argue," but of course I want to support my own views. I don't generally have an issue with the beliefs behind a truly Republican outlook. I understand conservativism in that way, though I don't agree. Unfortunately, I think most often, the politicians actually involved and identified as "Republican" don't hold true to what the term really means: Fiscally conservative, less government involvement, etc. That's been transformed into something entirely different, which is causing a very real economic and social divide in our country and reducing the quality of life for many. Many of whom still support those very politicians who are really working against them.

Whew, just had to share. It really stressed me out for some reason.

You might know this already, but...

I recently got in touch with an old friend from my "super-christian" days. We've headed in very different directions; spiritually, physically, and politically; but still have been able to find a little common ground based on our old affection for each other.

In response to his explaining what he believed to me, I felt this need to respond in kind, backing up my own beliefs and politics with evidence, both experienced and learned indirectly. This is often a difficult task for me, but it was easier in the less personal email message form.

In person or on the phone (especially on the phone), I have a hard time with disagreement or conflict, whether it's political or personal. I get a little nervous at even a hint of judgment from the other party, no matter how close they are to me or how much I know that they will love me regardless of the conflict or perceived conflict at hand. No one (not even my family, my best friends, or you, dear reader) is immune from my nervousness, no matter how inconsequential the conversation or how at ease I usually am.

I try to hide it, but often I can feel the tension between us. The awkward silence, the slow response, my inability to answer or form questions, my sheer discomfort.

One would think I'd have gotten over it by now, what with all my gray hairs popping up and general self-assuredness (yes I made up that word) I have found. But this is still something that I can't control, and happens when I least expect it.

I am working on it, though, I promise.

Maybe it's all in your name....

Thanks, Sunny Horizons...

Check out http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp to do yours.

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 96
There are 6 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 9

An Inner Dream number of 9 means:
You dream of being creative, intellectual, and universal; the selfless humanitarian. You understand the needy and what to help them. You would love to be a person people count on for support and advice.

Losing my mind

My grandfather was a certified genius. I mean, his IQ (however unreliable a tool) was over 200 and he graduated high school at 14, setting a precedent for me to "skip a grade" in elementary school. My dad's a pretty smart cookie too. In school, he was in special classes later called "gifted" (but not back then) that did two year long projects. But we all three, some might say, never "fulfilled our potential." Well, my grandfather had a successful NY government career in vocational rehabilitation, but that's not exactly "rocket science," to use an old cliche. My dad miserably worked in sales most of his life, dreaming of the musician he should have been (well, he is a musician, but he never pursued a career doing it). That was after he married the beautiful but screwed up 17 year old that eventually became my beautiful but screwed up mother. Where was his genius then? Of course, genius is overrated when it comes to predicting life choices. But how is it that we all, rather than harnessing the brain power and, well, doing something that used those vast brain stores, floated into an abyss of averageness, at least when it came to careers (and other things too, but I won't go into that right now)? Anyone who knew me in college would agree that, though it was interesting and "practical," I chose the "easy" course of study, in which I "earned" my "cum laude" with, admittedly, very little personal effort. And now, much of my "problem" with work is that I simply don't need to think all that much. If I had been more willing to challenge myself then, by doing something that required me to work and think harder (say...engineering or chemistry, both of which I considered), would I be more fulfilled now? Not that there isn't still time for me, but even now I keep thinking about how difficult most of the options I think of would be. Isn't that what I keep whining about? I crave more challenges, but at the same time avoid them. Of course, my personality may have still led me to more people-oriented work, and inate intelligence doesn't really get you very far if you're paralyzed with indecision.

Insanity, The Office-style

Actual email message from my boss:

Questions have arisen regarding the new time sheets and required work time. All staff are to work 8.5 hour days or 42.5 hours per week. If you’ve been approved to work 4, 10 hour days the equivalent is 10.65 hours or 10 hours and 39 minutes per day).

There are also two choices which are to a) take a 1 hour lunch with no breaks, or b) take a ½ hour lunch and 2 - 15 minute breaks.
No one may leave ½ hour or 1 hour early or come in late by not taking breaks or lunch. If you have a medical apt. early in the morning or late in the afternoon, you may not use your lunch times in lieu of your leave time. If apt.’s are during your normal lunch period then that is acceptable, assuming you don’t also take an hour for lunch.

Also, it was explained some time ago that if you have lunch as part of a required meeting, such as our staff meetings, you may then take a ½ hour break if needed, but not have lunch and then take another hour off for lunch.

Flex time may be used as needed and with approval, but you may not use flexing on a daily basis to shorten your work day. Salaried staff do not receive hour for hour flex time.

I hope this clarifies things for everyone and should ensure consistency and equity. If you have any questions or concerns, please see me. The most important concern is that we’re here for our stakeholders when they need us, which for now is Monday-Friday from 8:30-5:00.

Then the next day we had a Department Luau party for two hours.

NOTE: I work 4 10 hour days, and this was my response, which was not yet replied to:

I’m not sure who you discussed it with but I’m pretty sure the County has always figured the 4/10 week like this:
Five day, 8 hour/day employee works, given ½ paid, ½ unpaid hour long lunch break, for a workday length of 8.5 hours. Time actually worked is 7.5 hours (7.5 x 5 = 37.5 hours).
Four day, 10 hour/day employee works, given ½ paid, ½ unpaid, hour long lunch break, for a workday length of 10.5 hours. Time actually worked is 9.5 hours (9.5 x 4 = 38 hours).
So actually the 4/10 employee works a half hour longer than the 5/8 the way the County sets up its breaks.
The breaks and lunch time are given per workday (based on hours/day, regardless of the hours worked per week – that is the legal requirement), not per total hours worked, which is why it is still fair for the 4/10 employee to work the extra half hour. The 5 day employee gets 5 hour-long breaks, whereas the 4 day employee gets (rightly) 4 hour-long breaks. If a 4 day employee is required to have 10 hour 39 minute work days to have the equivalent workday hour length, they should then have the equivalent of 5 hour-long breaks, to make the time actually worked equitable, which doesn’t make sense if they are only working 4 days.

Don't even get me started on the factory based "two fifteen minute breaks" instead of just using them at the end of the day to leave a 1/2 hour earlier.

Crazy.

Toothpaste

Mundanities can be very frustrating sometimes. In my personal quest to use less, waste less, and purchase ethically, I come to a toothpaste crossroads. I'm sure many have been in this predicament, but here it is:

I really like Tom's of Maine toothpastes, especially the no artificial flavoring and gentle taste that doesn't burn my sensitive tongue, and the mostly recyclable packaging is why I bought it in the first place. And it's a good company, giving back to their community and all that.

But, the aluminum tube packaging is fragile, and cracks open and leaks toothpaste all over my medicine cabinet and sink, and makes it hard to squeeze out, not to mention all the extra I waste. The first time, I thought it was a fluke and I'd be more careful with the next tube. Well, I was more careful, but there was even more cracking.

So, what's the environmentally conscious girl to do?

Try a different brand, right? Not so simple...

First of all, I haven't made up my mind about the fluoride debate. Do I need it in the toothpaste? Maybe not, but since I got braces, I don't think I should risk it just yet. I do not want little cavities forming just under the cement, you know? So that limits my "natural and environmentally friendly" choices a whole heck of a lot right there.

Second of all...Is it too much to ask for there to be more than one company represented in this regard (natural and fluoridated) right here in a local store? Why do I need to go to 3 places (Target- Tom's only territory, of course, Ward's, AND Fresh Market- which I thought would have toothpaste, but doesn't?) only to come up TP free? Now I have to go to Mother Earth, which is fine, but intimidates me. Makes me feel not earthy-crunchy enough.

The only other option I did find was Raspberry-mint flavored. Who wants raspberry toothpaste? Orange? Okay, sure, no worries about drinking juice right after. Lemon? Why not, it's refreshing. Anise, licorice, cinnamon? YES, all lovely herbal clean feeling flavors! But Raspberry? Eww! And I like the berries, really I do, but in toothpaste? It's like brushing with Koolaid.

So, you see what trivial choices occupy huge swaths of my time?