My Brilliant Things, inspired by the play, Every Brilliant Thing, by Duncan MacMillan, which I saw in NYC at the Barrow Street Theatre in December 2014. Every Brilliant Thing

1. The scent of jasmine in the air

2. Hugs

3. Being moved by actors

4. Being moved while acting, especially real cries and sobs 

5. The golden ribbon of swirling honey into tea 

6. Showers

7. Kissing a lover after being apart for a length of time

8. Poems that hit you in the gut 

9. Staying up all night laughing

10. New haircuts

11. Babies laughing 

12. Toddlers dancing

13. Surprises

14. When a party guest secretly cleans the kitchen for you 

15. Bonfires

16. When you're swimming, and you suddenly feel the current go down your leg 

17. Compliments by strangers (non-creepy ones)

18. When a story you're reading suddenly has a plot point taken from your own life. 

19. The existence of doppelgängers. 

20. Crunching acorns under foot

21. Orgasms - the little ones and big ones and those you work hard for and those that take you by surprise

22. Tears of joy

23. Tubing the river

24. Music

25. The sound of bamboo wind chimes

26. Foot massages

27. Cheese

28. Walking on cork

29. Being picked up in a hug by a much larger friend

30. Laughing after good sex - like you just got away with something 

31. Realizing on Thursday that Friday is a holiday you have off work

32. Picnics with friends 

33. When you try a new food or drink and you LOVE it

34. Elderly couples flirting with each other, especially if they're a little dirty

35. Finding an amazing bargain

36. Miniature farm animals

37. Floating on a raft in the ocean

38. Stories that are too crazy to be true, but are

39. Trees that have a "room" in the middle to hide in

40. Fireflies

41. When kids say things way more maturely than you expect

42. Sunlight dancing on the ocean

43. Flan

44. Bubbles

45. Flowers that look like animals and vice versa

46. The feeling you get when you hear the first chords of a beloved song

47. Hitting the high note

48. Being told I look like my grandmother

49. When my cat leans on my head

50. The moment the béchamel comes together

51. Cats' chins

52. Super soft blankets

53. Glow in the dark star stickers

Curry

I made this delicious Curry last night for my girlfriend, Samantha, who also read some of my blog for the first time ("how did I not know you had a blog?"). It's been a while since I posted anything, and I like to record good recipes somewhere, so why not here?

Veggie Potato Curry - I didn't have cilantro, but if I did I would have added it.

2 yellow onions (small ones)
2 sweet potatoes
3 small red potatoes
1 red bell pepper
handful of baby eggplants
1 zucchini
1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed well
1 can coconut milk
1.5 tbsp tomato paste
1 can diced tomatoes (or fresh)
2 big tbsp curry powder
1 tsp ginger
salt and pepper
2 tbsp creamy peanut butter
juice of half a lime
light squirt of sriracha

I dice the potatoes and veggies as I go into about the same size chunks.
In a small amount of olive or peanut oil, cook the diced potatoes and sweet potatoes a few minutes.
Chop onions and add them to pan with a good amount of salt.
Chop and add eggplant.
Chop and add pepper and zucchini.
Add curry powder, ginger, pepper, tomato paste, chickpeas, coconut milk, and tomatoes. Mix well.
Let simmer for 20-25 minutes. Add sriracha and peanut butter, mix well.
Add lime (and cilantro) at the end just before serving.

We ate it stew-style in bowls, but rice or quinoa would work with it too.

Good Fight

After I had gone to bed last night, but before I fell asleep, my lover came home from his adventures with friends. I asked what they had done and if he had fun, and his reply left me with mild disappointment that I was not present for all the adventures.

Now, we are both independent creatures, and want for each other to have fun and exciting adventures with or without the other. My expression to him of my disappointment was met with flippant dismissal, due to this very fact. It hurt my feelings and made me feel ridiculous for feeling the mild disappointment, and I let him know that it was not the appropriate response.

He said he wouldn’t take responsibility for my disappointment and felt I was asking him to with my expression of it. He felt flippancy was not disrespectful and his intention was never to hurt my feelings. I said I didn’t need him to take responsibility, but that I would like comfort or just a statement that it would have been nice if I had been there, rather than a reply that made me feel foolish. I said that in the same situation, I would have wanted him to be with me. He replied that our lives are more intertwined than he has ever experienced in a romantic relationship before, and his independent nature would be threatened had I a need to share every aspect of his life. I replied that I had no such need, and that in the reverse situation, I would want him there not to share every part of my life, but that my desire is to always share “the best” parts. With that I won the argument and he said (after congratulating me for winning :)) he would be more diligent about not being dismissive when I need him to be soothing. 

Neither of us ran from the argument, neither became hysterical or irrational, and we expressed our feelings and intentions and corrected misunderstandings as we talked. It was a minor argument, which gave us an opportunity to strengthen our bond. I am grateful for it and hope every argument is as nice.

Other people's parties

There are people in the periphery of my life that wish I would just go away. I appear where they are and they wish I didn't, or they would like to leave but are too proud to do so, or they silently steam and then later attack me anonymously to others or on the internet. In these situations I try my best to go with the flow, be polite if interaction surfaces, have fun anyway, or leave if I need to. I wish for my former lovers and friends, and their current lovers and friends, happiness in their lives and the ability to let go of resentments. I have. Though I have places in my heart for everyone I have loved, and wish on some level they'd be comfortable relating to me in some small way, I do not need them to, nor do I seek it. Forgiveness is hard-won and worth the exchange, even if the dialogue is internal.

a poem

i fall in love without touching
a million words
a hundred or more looks
a secret heart grows slowly, imperceptibly,
unnoticed
until the outer shell shatters, leaving a larger heart,
and then there is nothing left to do but touch
but this new heart is so raw and swollen
the slightest touch leaves it quivering

today in local government

email conversation following back and forth and finally approval of the form used to submit my grant to the higher-ups for approval:

coworker: Where is the grant application to attach?
me: in your box :)
coworker: Thank you. Maybe I should get up and look.
me: That made me laugh, which I needed. Thanks. :)

I cracked up at my desk. yup.

Attraction

What draws us to others is something in them that helps us express something in us. Our friends, lovers, "soul mates," all represent parts of us we want to express more (or less, at times) of. So one may represent our desires for limitless freedom and unbridled passion, another our needs for devotion and stability, and another, and another...you get the idea.

It's important to keep the needs matched to the individuals you choose to meet them.

Lesson learned.

Heart

It's full of scars, mine.
From old surface scratches that add interest and mystery,
Deep gashes, healed over, which nonetheless changed the rhythm,
and fresher wounds that still require care and tending.

awkward: 1. lacking ease or grace 2. lacking social assurance 3. not easy to handle or deal with

Every time I see you photo-flash memories wiz by
when your eyes crinkled when you smiled
your face lit when it caught mine
your touch was comfort, familiar and longing
when words and laughs came easily
and we didn’t run from quiet moments.
doesn't my amygdala know there is an ocean between us now?

My Life in Food

Sunday some dear friends came over and brunched with me. I made quiche, having perfected, I think, my technique. There were potatoes with onions and apples, homemade peach preserves, unbeatable banana bread, and bacon, of course. Everything is better with bacon, I am assured, even though I rarely eat it myself, being a holier than thou ethically superior eater.

Sharing food with friends. It's what I do. It's how I do.

So I have this idea (maybe it was Aida's idea for me) to make it into a book. Creating community through food, or something better as a title. Ideas? It'll have stories with a personal memoir feel, with recipes of mine and friends, of course.

So the quiche - I bought Wild Hog Sausage from the Smokin' mullet, and used some of in the quiche. I should say here that I think the main reason it was so good is because I used high quality ingredients - local unadulterated eggs and milk, fancy parm from wine and cheese gallery, and Wainwright Dairy cheddar (from Lake City - it's amazing), and local organic onions.

I've recently tried melting the cheese into the milk and other ingredients before baking a quiche, and I think it helps it have a better consistency and more unified... cheesiness.

Mushroom Onion and Sausage Quiche:

Pie crust (I use frozen, but you can totally make your own and it'd be that much better)
4 eggs (or more/less depending on size of crust)
milk (whole)
parmigiano and cheddar, grated (maybe 1 cup total, mix up to you, could add swiss too)
Sausage (not much, maybe 2 oz.)
1/2 small container mushrooms
onion (I used yellow, but white or red would be fine too) - maybe 1/4 cup chopped
sage, nutmeg, salt, pepper to taste

1. Pre-bake crusts for about 10 minutes (optional, but I never have half-cooked crust)
2. Meanwhile, brown sausage in a skillet, then add mushrooms, sage (tsp maybe or 1.5 tsp), nutmeg (pinch or two), and pepper. Cook half way, then add onions and cook until both are "done." Add a very little salt.
3. Lower heat, and add some milk (maybe 3/4 cup). Add cheese to melt into milk, stirring frequently.
4. Beat eggs thoroughly with another dash of milk.
5. Once cheese is melted, turn heat off and add eggs, stirring constantly so they don't scramble.
6. Pour filling into crust and bake uncovered for 25-30 minutes.

Carrot Ginger Salad

1. Peel and grate/process most of a bag of carrots (1 lb bag I guess). Grating will produce bigger carrot pieces, but takes longer.
2. Peel ginger chunk and grate/process with the carrots.
3. Use immersion blender to blend juice of one lemon, big spoonful of honey, dash of soy sauce, tsp or so of tahini, and enough sesame oil to double what liquid is there, and a few grinds fresh pepper.
4. Combine in a bowl with a bit of shredded sweetened coconut and some chopped/sliced almonds.

I made this up for work pot-luck today, and it was delicious!

and this one:

another song that makes me cry, though it doesn't seem to fit, it does.

Song that Makes Me Cry Volume 17

I had the CD this is on in the car on my way to work last week sometime. It played in the three minutes before I parked, and like every time I hear it in the last few years, I sobbed like a baby before I got out of the car.

I know my ex-husband is focused very little on feeling sadness or loss, or looking back. Because he is so so happy and in love and nothing can pull him away from that. Well, I'm pretty damned happy too, but I know better than to ignore the tugs that help me grieve, because even if I'm happy, I know that that's far from over.


Break Your Heart
Barenaked Ladies

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I know that you'll be okay,
and that I've got what I want,
and that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not 'cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Honest Conversation with a Christian

I had an unexpected opportunity to talk with an (almost?) open-minded Christian pastor frankly about religion and faith. He seemed unperturbed by my lack of observance, and though he sought an opening to "witness" to me, he also seemed to understand my own expression of faith, as well as I articulated it, anyway.

He described how he became a Christian after a college classmate told him about Jesus. He said at the time he was aimless, smoked too much, and did too many drugs, but that after he accepted Christ, he experienced a true miracle and was able to let his addictions go that very moment. I agreed that it was indeed a miracle, and thought about how having such a deep spiritual experience could help us "let go" of whatever has us tripped up.

I explained my own philosophies, that I don't think there is any one spiritual path to follow, and that however anyone finds peace is acceptable to me (and I presume to "God"). He countered with a metaphor of a mountain, with God at the top, and all these various spiritual paths up the mountain all leading to God. Then he asked me to imagine that God sent Jesus down to the people to help on this one path, which is what makes it unique.

I said I just don't think of God at the top of the mountain, or separate from me, or anyone, that I think of God as the mountain itself, all of us and all of those paths, and everything else too, so that all one needs do to "get close" to God is recognize that. That scientists recognize it as the smallest measures of energy, that vibration that everything is composed of, even if they don't see it as spirit, that's what it is. That the energy I've felt in a church service, or a choral concert, or a yoga class, or a group meditation, are all the same, and I think what he felt that day he became a Christian, and whenever he leads his congregation, are that same energy.

Then he asked THE question: What about evil? What about consequences? I explained I didn't think there is hell/heaven the way Christianity interprets it, and that evil exists so that we recognize good. He actually agreed that it may not be the way we read it in the Bible or explain it in Sunday School, but what about having to examine your life/sins, would that not be hell itself? I agreed that it may be, but that I think when we die, we re-enter the spirit/energy world (of love) and even if we examine the evil we may have done, there are no consequences save maybe for being that much further from not having to again return to the non-spirit world, but that it isn't torturous and there is no judgment from some higher power. Though I realize my own theory may be just that, theory, and that actually it remains a mystery to all of us until we get there.

He asked me what I thought about Jesus and the Bible then. I said I thought the authors were inspired of course but that any interpretation comes through their human perspective, and that Jesus was simply an example of what anyone is capable of, finding a very high level of spiritual maturity, but that those who witnessed it simply did not understand this, and took him to be extra-special. Also I explained that many of the ethical/moral principles were logical and perfectly reasonable without needing to be commanded by God, and that those which exist within most religions also exist outside of them. I don't think he knew what to say about this one.

He invited me to come to Saturday evening's Easter Service, which I declined based on my play schedule, but of course, the last thing I intend ever to do with a Saturday evening is go to church, even if the youth pastor is open-minded and kind of cute.

"Moments of Weakness"

I'm in a local play about a traditionally minded woman (I'm her) who learns her husband has been cheating on her. I find the title to be personally ironic.

It's pretty poorly written, the characters are all walking stereotypes, and the "point" seems to be that men are "born that way" but that doesn't excuse infidelity.

The playwright certainly "assumes" the perspective that it's a given that marriage implies monogamy, which then implies the "natural" way of men (namely, that they must "spread their seed") leads them to be unfaithful and thus this conundrum persists.

It all seems so... dated.

Gratitude

I've been struggling with some resentful feelings left with me after a mostly peaceful, amicable, and even loving, divorce. The anger that I poured my heart and energy into someone else, unconditionally supporting his dreams and desires, until the burden of that overwhelmed my own, only to be "starting over" with nothing (nothing tangible) to show for it, sticks with me. Knowing that he doesn't even regard my feelings here even having merit, without any expressed appreciation for all of that energy and support or even acknowledgment that the burden of it is what eventually ruined us, coupled with my observation (admittedly from afar) that he now is carrying his own weight (emotionally and physically) in a new relationship, which I always knew he was capable of, really just pisses me off.

So I've been trying to find a way to let go of that. A friend suggested to remember everything I do have to show for the time, so I'm starting with this list of things I am grateful for that came from my marriage (not my divorce)...


1. I learned how to express love, even in difficult, conflicted times.
2. I'm a confident, adventurous lover, if a bit limited in experience. The emotional safety of my marriage allowed me to explore my sexuality, and I don't have much difficulty expressing my needs or responding to my partner's.
3. I know a lot more music trivia than if I had not been married to a musical encyclopedia.
4. I have a deep appreciation for film that I'm not sure I would have without being inspired by the passion my former spouse expressed.
5. I am easy to live with, generally.
6. I'm someone's favorite aunt.
7. I know what I need from my relationships, and what I don't need; what I can tolerate, and what I find irritating.
8. I made many close friends through my former spouse, whether directly or indirectly.
9. I returned to doing theatre, which I always loved in high school but had given up along the way. It was helping with his shows that gave me back the "bug."


That's what I can think of for now, I'll add more as I think of them.

Lunch

I haven't been up for much grocery shopping lately. I know, I know, how odd that someone who loves to cook, who even makes a (tiny) profit from it occasionally, would have bouts of "I just don't know what to make!" Well, I did make caprese (again) the other night which required a short trip to Ward's. I bought too many tomatoes, which inspired my lunch today.

Doc had cilantro and half a lime left in my fridge from his guacamole, and I had impulsively bought dandelion greens (when I went for tomatoes) for salad, so I put this together for lunch and I must say, it was really delicious. I have leftover pesto too, so I may use it for something else tonight!

Random things from fridge wrap:

Cilantro pesto:
bunch of cilantro
walnuts
couple small pieces red onion
1/2 a lime, squeezed
splash of balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper
olive oil

I whirred it around in my mini-processor and tasted it a couple times, adding more oil and cilantro to balance the lime. Once it was right, I slathered a flour tortilla with it, arranged sliced tomatoes on top of the pesto, sprinkled shredded cheddar and swiss (pre-shredded and left over from quiche last week) over that, layered some sour cream and dandelion leaves on top, burrito-rolled it, and ate it.

I was so hungry that I didn't even wait to take a photo.

It was so. good.

Hostel in the Forest and the Veggie Bus Tour

February 20, 2011

We arrived yesterday, my boyfriend and I, and were greeted by smiling souls and pointed in the direction of our "hut," the bamboo hut, a tree house just off the main area of the Hostel. When we got up there, it became clear that the previous night's guest had not gone yet. No nap just yet, then. It was well though, because after putting our things in one corner, we set off to explore the hostel. We found the kitchen and more happy people, and put our contributions in the refrigerator. We sat by the lake, kissing.

While walking about, we were unexpectedly beckoned to join the "veggie bus tour." "Are we going somewhere, does the Hostel have a bus?," I thought, but, since we could not yet nap, we followed along, until we came to the "topsy turvy bus," pictured here:

(picture from the Teva Learning Center's website)

It was quite a sight! Jonathan and his crew from the Teva Learning Center explained to us that the bus was originally created by Tom Kennedy and his crew of "car artists" and commissioned by Ben Cohen, of Ben and Jerry's fame, to highlight government spending on defense vs. education, and how it should be "flipped." The bus was then acquired by the "White House Organic Farm Project" who lobbied to have the front lawn of the White House (all grass :( ) turned into an organic farm. Then the Obamas came and Michelle made a back yard into an organic garden where the first family gets a lot of their food. :) The Project tried to sell the bus, but couldn't, so they donated it the the Teva Learning Center, a Jewish Ecological Education center based in the Northeast. Jonathan, a project coordinator for TLC, converted the bus to run on vegetable oil, hired a crew, and the Veggie Bus Tour was born. Jonathan explained how they acquire waste oil from restaurants willing to give it to them, pump it into first a storage tank, then into a centrifuge filtering system, and then to the engine. The bus gets about eight miles per gallon, but with the extra large tanks filled, they can go up to 800 miles without stopping. They provide education about alternative fuels and other ecologically sound practices to children and adults at Jewish schools, centers, synagogues, etc. around the country. We're hoping and trying to arrange for a pass through Gainesville on their way back up Florida (they're heading to West Palm Beach this week).

Jonathan and Doc

After sitting in the bus, we met the young woman who had not yet left our hut. She had moved her things to the outside, which allowed us to make the bed and take a long afternoon nap in the sun-warmed hut. It was lovely, and we woke near dinner time, so we headed down and joined the folks around the fire, listening to stories and chatting like new friends do. I hula-hooped and thought about the uniqueness of the Hostel, and hoped for more places of peace (both between the humans passing through and/or living there and with the Earth) like it.

View from our hut

Inside the hut

After a delicious vegetarian dinner and helping wash dishes (there were about 35 of us there for dinner), I saw Gwen (who is in law school in Florida) hula-hooping with her hoop on fire. She's very graceful and the hoop appears to move around her without her effort. This was quite a sight, as well. After more fire chats, songs, and a skit by the veggie bus crew, we retire (early?) to the Bamboo hut. I brought an electric blanket from home, and I'm glad, for the sun has set and the hut is no longer warm. We make love before drifting to sleep, only to be awakened many many times by a confused rooster crowing all night! I thought they only crowed at dawn? Next time, ear plugs!

In the morning, I was aware of my discomfort being naked outdoors, even though the shower faces the woods and is quite private. Even if I could be seen, what would be the harm? I know this intellectually, but have been conditioned to these feelings. Fighting it, I enjoy the hot water which warms me only while I'm under it. The air is still quite chilly at about 9:00 am.

Returning to the hut, I see my companion is awake and we chat awhile before going to make a breakfast of bagels, Hostel eggs, over medium, and coffee. I use the last of the coffee but share by pouring small cups for all who want some. I will bring a pound of Sweetwater from Gainesville the next time I return. While chatting with another visitor, we learn of the great oak tree and nearby hammock. After packing up our things, we find it and laze a spell before heading to the beach for the afternoon.

Hammock near the oak

30. A picture of someone you miss

Shannon is one of my closest friends, and she moved to Ft. Lauderdale in the fall. We remain very close, but physical distance and busy schedules have not allowed us to see each other or even talk that frequently, and I miss going to Boca Fiesta with her. She, like me, is really an "in person" person, if you know what I mean, and even though we can keep up with one another online, nothing beats the real thing, with margaritas, of course.

29. A picture that can always make you smile

The story behind this picture is what always makes me smile. Family vacation in 2007, my niece Audrey was about five, and we were all in the hot tub after swimming for a bit in the pool. Audrey, upon entering, sitting, and feeling the bubbles, exclaimed "this is sooooooo relaxing," and we all cracked up. Maybe you have to know her to understand, but she is the most humorous child I've ever known.