Down to the Core

today in local government

2012-01-12T14:19:00.001-05:00

email conversation following back and forth and finally approval of the form used to submit my grant to the higher-ups for approval:

coworker: Where is the grant application to attach?
me: in your box :)
coworker: Thank you. Maybe I should get up and look.
me: That made me laugh, which I needed. Thanks. :)

I cracked up at my desk. yup.

Attraction

2012-01-05T08:28:00.002-05:00

What draws us to others is something in them that helps us express something in us. Our friends, lovers, "soul mates," all represent parts of us we want to express more (or less, at times) of. So one may represent our desires for limitless freedom and unbridled passion, another our needs for devotion and stability, and another, and another...you get the idea.

It's important to keep the needs matched to the individuals you choose to meet them.

Lesson learned.

Heart

2011-12-17T08:31:00.002-05:00

It's full of scars, mine.
From old surface scratches that add interest and mystery,
Deep gashes, healed over, which nonetheless changed the rhythm,
and fresher wounds that still require care and tending.

awkward: 1. lacking ease or grace 2. lacking social assurance 3. not easy to handle or deal with

2011-10-11T16:02:00.004-04:00

Every time I see you photo-flash memories wiz by
when your eyes crinkled when you smiled
your face lit when it caught mine
your touch was comfort, familiar and longing
when words and laughs came easily
and we didn’t run from quiet moments.
doesn't my amygdala know there is an ocean between us now?

My Life in Food

2011-09-07T15:03:00.002-04:00

Sunday some dear friends came over and brunched with me. I made quiche, having perfected, I think, my technique. There were potatoes with onions and apples, homemade peach preserves, unbeatable banana bread, and bacon, of course. Everything is better with bacon, I am assured, even though I rarely eat it myself, being a holier than thou ethically superior eater.

Sharing food with friends. It's what I do. It's how I do.

So I have this idea (maybe it was Aida's idea for me) to make it into a book. Creating community through food, or something better as a title. Ideas? It'll have stories with a personal memoir feel, with recipes of mine and friends, of course.

So the quiche - I bought Wild Hog Sausage from the Smokin' mullet, and used some of in the quiche. I should say here that I think the main reason it was so good is because I used high quality ingredients - local unadulterated eggs and milk, fancy parm from wine and cheese gallery, and Wainwright Dairy cheddar (from Lake City - it's amazing), and local organic onions.

I've recently tried melting the cheese into the milk and other ingredients before baking a quiche, and I think it helps it have a better consistency and more unified... cheesiness.

Mushroom Onion and Sausage Quiche:

Pie crust (I use frozen, but you can totally make your own and it'd be that much better)
4 eggs (or more/less depending on size of crust)
milk (whole)
parmigiano and cheddar, grated (maybe 1 cup total, mix up to you, could add swiss too)
Sausage (not much, maybe 2 oz.)
1/2 small container mushrooms
onion (I used yellow, but white or red would be fine too) - maybe 1/4 cup chopped
sage, nutmeg, salt, pepper to taste

1. Pre-bake crusts for about 10 minutes (optional, but I never have half-cooked crust)
2. Meanwhile, brown sausage in a skillet, then add mushrooms, sage (tsp maybe or 1.5 tsp), nutmeg (pinch or two), and pepper. Cook half way, then add onions and cook until both are "done." Add a very little salt.
3. Lower heat, and add some milk (maybe 3/4 cup). Add cheese to melt into milk, stirring frequently.
4. Beat eggs thoroughly with another dash of milk.
5. Once cheese is melted, turn heat off and add eggs, stirring constantly so they don't scramble.
6. Pour filling into crust and bake uncovered for 25-30 minutes.

Carrot Ginger Salad

2011-06-28T14:17:00.002-04:00

1. Peel and grate/process most of a bag of carrots (1 lb bag I guess). Grating will produce bigger carrot pieces, but takes longer.
2. Peel ginger chunk and grate/process with the carrots.
3. Use immersion blender to blend juice of one lemon, big spoonful of honey, dash of soy sauce, tsp or so of tahini, and enough sesame oil to double what liquid is there, and a few grinds fresh pepper.
4. Combine in a bowl with a bit of shredded sweetened coconut and some chopped/sliced almonds.

I made this up for work pot-luck today, and it was delicious!

and this one:

2011-05-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

another song that makes me cry, though it doesn't seem to fit, it does.

Song that Makes Me Cry Volume 17

2011-05-11T00:41:00.005-04:00

I had the CD this is on in the car on my way to work last week sometime. It played in the three minutes before I parked, and like every time I hear it in the last few years, I sobbed like a baby before I got out of the car.

I know my ex-husband is focused very little on feeling sadness or loss, or looking back. Because he is so so happy and in love and nothing can pull him away from that. Well, I'm pretty damned happy too, but I know better than to ignore the tugs that help me grieve, because even if I'm happy, I know that that's far from over.

Break Your Heart
Barenaked Ladies

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time

And now I know that you'll be okay,
and that I've got what I want,
and that's rid of you
Bye
And it's not 'cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

Honest Conversation with a Christian

2011-04-25T14:57:00.003-04:00

I had an unexpected opportunity to talk with an (almost?) open-minded Christian pastor frankly about religion and faith. He seemed unperturbed by my lack of observance, and though he sought an opening to "witness" to me, he also seemed to understand my own expression of faith, as well as I articulated it, anyway.

He described how he became a Christian after a college classmate told him about Jesus. He said at the time he was aimless, smoked too much, and did too many drugs, but that after he accepted Christ, he experienced a true miracle and was able to let his addictions go that very moment. I agreed that it was indeed a miracle, and thought about how having such a deep spiritual experience could help us "let go" of whatever has us tripped up.

I explained my own philosophies, that I don't think there is any one spiritual path to follow, and that however anyone finds peace is acceptable to me (and I presume to "God"). He countered with a metaphor of a mountain, with God at the top, and all these various spiritual paths up the mountain all leading to God. Then he asked me to imagine that God sent Jesus down to the people to help on this one path, which is what makes it unique.

I said I just don't think of God at the top of the mountain, or separate from me, or anyone, that I think of God as the mountain itself, all of us and all of those paths, and everything else too, so that all one needs do to "get close" to God is recognize that. That scientists recognize it as the smallest measures of energy, that vibration that everything is composed of, even if they don't see it as spirit, that's what it is. That the energy I've felt in a church service, or a choral concert, or a yoga class, or a group meditation, are all the same, and I think what he felt that day he became a Christian, and whenever he leads his congregation, are that same energy.

Then he asked THE question: What about evil? What about consequences? I explained I didn't think there is hell/heaven the way Christianity interprets it, and that evil exists so that we recognize good. He actually agreed that it may not be the way we read it in the Bible or explain it in Sunday School, but what about having to examine your life/sins, would that not be hell itself? I agreed that it may be, but that I think when we die, we re-enter the spirit/energy world (of love) and even if we examine the evil we may have done, there are no consequences save maybe for being that much further from not having to again return to the non-spirit world, but that it isn't torturous and there is no judgment from some higher power. Though I realize my own theory may be just that, theory, and that actually it remains a mystery to all of us until we get there.

He asked me what I thought about Jesus and the Bible then. I said I thought the authors were inspired of course but that any interpretation comes through their human perspective, and that Jesus was simply an example of what anyone is capable of, finding a very high level of spiritual maturity, but that those who witnessed it simply did not understand this, and took him to be extra-special. Also I explained that many of the ethical/moral principles were logical and perfectly reasonable without needing to be commanded by God, and that those which exist within most religions also exist outside of them. I don't think he knew what to say about this one.

He invited me to come to Saturday evening's Easter Service, which I declined based on my play schedule, but of course, the last thing I intend ever to do with a Saturday evening is go to church, even if the youth pastor is open-minded and kind of cute.

"Moments of Weakness"

2011-03-18T14:51:00.002-04:00

I'm in a local play about a traditionally minded woman (I'm her) who learns her husband has been cheating on her. I find the title to be personally ironic.

It's pretty poorly written, the characters are all walking stereotypes, and the "point" seems to be that men are "born that way" but that doesn't excuse infidelity.

The playwright certainly "assumes" the perspective that it's a given that marriage implies monogamy, which then implies the "natural" way of men (namely, that they must "spread their seed") leads them to be unfaithful and thus this conundrum persists.

It all seems so... dated.

Gratitude

2011-03-10T18:58:00.006-05:00

I've been struggling with some resentful feelings left with me after a mostly peaceful, amicable, and even loving, divorce. The anger that I poured my heart and energy into someone else, unconditionally supporting his dreams and desires, until the burden of that overwhelmed my own, only to be "starting over" with nothing (nothing tangible) to show for it, sticks with me. Knowing that he doesn't even regard my feelings here even having merit, without any expressed appreciation for all of that energy and support or even acknowledgment that the burden of it is what eventually ruined us, coupled with my observation (admittedly from afar) that he now is carrying his own weight (emotionally and physically) in a new relationship, which I always knew he was capable of, really just pisses me off.

So I've been trying to find a way to let go of that. A friend suggested to remember everything I do have to show for the time, so I'm starting with this list of things I am grateful for that came from my marriage (not my divorce)...

1. I learned how to express love, even in difficult, conflicted times.
2. I'm a confident, adventurous lover, if a bit limited in experience. The emotional safety of my marriage allowed me to explore my sexuality, and I don't have much difficulty expressing my needs or responding to my partner's.
3. I know a lot more music trivia than if I had not been married to a musical encyclopedia.
4. I have a deep appreciation for film that I'm not sure I would have without being inspired by the passion my former spouse expressed.
5. I am easy to live with, generally.
6. I'm someone's favorite aunt.
7. I know what I need from my relationships, and what I don't need; what I can tolerate, and what I find irritating.
8. I made many close friends through my former spouse, whether directly or indirectly.
9. I returned to doing theatre, which I always loved in high school but had given up along the way. It was helping with his shows that gave me back the "bug."

That's what I can think of for now, I'll add more as I think of them.

Lunch

2011-02-23T14:22:00.002-05:00

I haven't been up for much grocery shopping lately. I know, I know, how odd that someone who loves to cook, who even makes a (tiny) profit from it occasionally, would have bouts of "I just don't know what to make!" Well, I did make caprese (again) the other night which required a short trip to Ward's. I bought too many tomatoes, which inspired my lunch today.

Doc had cilantro and half a lime left in my fridge from his guacamole, and I had impulsively bought dandelion greens (when I went for tomatoes) for salad, so I put this together for lunch and I must say, it was really delicious. I have leftover pesto too, so I may use it for something else tonight!

Random things from fridge wrap:

Cilantro pesto:
bunch of cilantro
walnuts
couple small pieces red onion
1/2 a lime, squeezed
splash of balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper
olive oil

I whirred it around in my mini-processor and tasted it a couple times, adding more oil and cilantro to balance the lime. Once it was right, I slathered a flour tortilla with it, arranged sliced tomatoes on top of the pesto, sprinkled shredded cheddar and swiss (pre-shredded and left over from quiche last week) over that, layered some sour cream and dandelion leaves on top, burrito-rolled it, and ate it.

I was so hungry that I didn't even wait to take a photo.

It was so. good.

Hostel in the Forest and the Veggie Bus Tour

2011-02-21T15:33:00.004-05:00

February 20, 2011

We arrived yesterday, my boyfriend and I, and were greeted by smiling souls and pointed in the direction of our "hut," the bamboo hut, a tree house just off the main area of the Hostel. When we got up there, it became clear that the previous night's guest had not gone yet. No nap just yet, then. It was well though, because after putting our things in one corner, we set off to explore the hostel. We found the kitchen and more happy people, and put our contributions in the refrigerator. We sat by the lake, kissing.

While walking about, we were unexpectedly beckoned to join the "veggie bus tour." "Are we going somewhere, does the Hostel have a bus?," I thought, but, since we could not yet nap, we followed along, until we came to the "topsy turvy bus," pictured here:

(picture from the Teva Learning Center's website)

It was quite a sight! Jonathan and his crew from the Teva Learning Center explained to us that the bus was originally created by Tom Kennedy and his crew of "car artists" and commissioned by Ben Cohen, of Ben and Jerry's fame, to highlight government spending on defense vs. education, and how it should be "flipped." The bus was then acquired by the "White House Organic Farm Project" who lobbied to have the front lawn of the White House (all grass :( ) turned into an organic farm. Then the Obamas came and Michelle made a back yard into an organic garden where the first family gets a lot of their food. :) The Project tried to sell the bus, but couldn't, so they donated it the the Teva Learning Center, a Jewish Ecological Education center based in the Northeast. Jonathan, a project coordinator for TLC, converted the bus to run on vegetable oil, hired a crew, and the Veggie Bus Tour was born. Jonathan explained how they acquire waste oil from restaurants willing to give it to them, pump it into first a storage tank, then into a centrifuge filtering system, and then to the engine. The bus gets about eight miles per gallon, but with the extra large tanks filled, they can go up to 800 miles without stopping. They provide education about alternative fuels and other ecologically sound practices to children and adults at Jewish schools, centers, synagogues, etc. around the country. We're hoping and trying to arrange for a pass through Gainesville on their way back up Florida (they're heading to West Palm Beach this week).

Jonathan and Doc

After sitting in the bus, we met the young woman who had not yet left our hut. She had moved her things to the outside, which allowed us to make the bed and take a long afternoon nap in the sun-warmed hut. It was lovely, and we woke near dinner time, so we headed down and joined the folks around the fire, listening to stories and chatting like new friends do. I hula-hooped and thought about the uniqueness of the Hostel, and hoped for more places of peace (both between the humans passing through and/or living there and with the Earth) like it.

View from our hut

Inside the hut

After a delicious vegetarian dinner and helping wash dishes (there were about 35 of us there for dinner), I saw Gwen (who is in law school in Florida) hula-hooping with her hoop on fire. She's very graceful and the hoop appears to move around her without her effort. This was quite a sight, as well. After more fire chats, songs, and a skit by the veggie bus crew, we retire (early?) to the Bamboo hut. I brought an electric blanket from home, and I'm glad, for the sun has set and the hut is no longer warm. We make love before drifting to sleep, only to be awakened many many times by a confused rooster crowing all night! I thought they only crowed at dawn? Next time, ear plugs!

In the morning, I was aware of my discomfort being naked outdoors, even though the shower faces the woods and is quite private. Even if I could be seen, what would be the harm? I know this intellectually, but have been conditioned to these feelings. Fighting it, I enjoy the hot water which warms me only while I'm under it. The air is still quite chilly at about 9:00 am.

Returning to the hut, I see my companion is awake and we chat awhile before going to make a breakfast of bagels, Hostel eggs, over medium, and coffee. I use the last of the coffee but share by pouring small cups for all who want some. I will bring a pound of Sweetwater from Gainesville the next time I return. While chatting with another visitor, we learn of the great oak tree and nearby hammock. After packing up our things, we find it and laze a spell before heading to the beach for the afternoon.

Hammock near the oak

30. A picture of someone you miss

2011-02-16T11:21:00.004-05:00

Shannon is one of my closest friends, and she moved to Ft. Lauderdale in the fall. We remain very close, but physical distance and busy schedules have not allowed us to see each other or even talk that frequently, and I miss going to Boca Fiesta with her. She, like me, is really an "in person" person, if you know what I mean, and even though we can keep up with one another online, nothing beats the real thing, with margaritas, of course.

29. A picture that can always make you smile

2011-02-15T13:48:00.004-05:00

The story behind this picture is what always makes me smile. Family vacation in 2007, my niece Audrey was about five, and we were all in the hot tub after swimming for a bit in the pool. Audrey, upon entering, sitting, and feeling the bubbles, exclaimed "this is sooooooo relaxing," and we all cracked up. Maybe you have to know her to understand, but she is the most humorous child I've ever known.

28. A picture of something your afraid of

2011-02-14T16:50:00.002-05:00

No big surprise here, right? Most of you know this is about as close as I get to a fire. I don't use lighters, and I use matches only if they are the long wooden or trigger type (so the fire is further from me). Maybe I was burned in a past life.

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

2011-02-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

This is my Aunt Melisa. She married my Uncle Vince when I was a small child and I don't remember him without her. She's quite possibly the sweetest, most caring woman I've ever known. They met in junior high school, and still appear to be completely enamored of and devoted to each other. They have seen each other through serious health problems, losing loved ones, unemployment, and more over the past thirty years, and they still go out on dates and snuggle on the couch at family gatherings. They certainly give one hope on Valentine's Day.

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

2011-02-12T16:38:00.004-05:00

This is a photograph of my grandmother. I know I mentioned before how close we were and how having her things helps me keep her close. Of all those things, this old photo of her as a young woman means the most, maybe because I resemble her in appearance, it serves as a reminder that I strive to resemble her in other ways, from her talent and skill in the kitchen to her expert scrabble playing, from the way she gave patient but sound criticism and advice, to the way she kept her home neat and pretty, and from her soft hands when they squeezed mine in hard moments, to her strong two armed bear hugs and little kiss on the cheek.

25. A picture of your day

2011-02-11T17:28:00.004-05:00

This is Portobello Ravioli with a pesto cream sauce, leftover from dinner last night at O!O, aka Tapas and 'Tinis, a local restaurant and bar I met an old dear friend at for dinner last night.

Leftover cream sauce does poorly being reheated in the microwave. It doesn't look so bad when you order it, a lovely white creamy delicious sauce on plump pasta. Now it's mostly oil and I get to be reminded of just how much fat is in there. It's still tasty though, so it passes as dinner.

I read In Watermelon Sugar today (while working!). It's a short novella and I can't really believe how many years it took to get to it. There was a free version online, and it was a small beautiful tale that I'm still not sure what I make of. I liked best that "iDeath" seemed to not be the town, but the central place they cooked, ate, walked, sat on couches near rivers, and hung paintings next to trees.

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

2011-02-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a bit cliché, but I wish I could change the world. Well, more specifically, the inhabitants of it. The organism that humans are the cells of ("society"?) is ill, I think. If I could wave my soup fairy wand and have less conflict, more peace, less greed, more kindness, less plastic, more gardens, and so on, I would.

23. A picture of your favorite book

2011-02-09T18:24:00.004-05:00

I couldn't choose one favorite. I never can.

The Dictionary of Imaginary Places was given to me on my 9th or 10th birthday by my Grandpa. I was a very avid reader as a child and he thought it would introduce me to a whole world of classic fantasy literature. He was right, of course, though many of the books referenced in the Dictionary I have not read, satisfied with the small synopsis I did read. It goes into great detail about the backgrounds of many familiar imaginary places, like Oz, Middle Earth, Brigadoon, and Wonderland, but my favorite place was the much more obscure iDeath, "a small rural community somewhere in the United States," from In Watermelon Sugar, by Richard Brautigan, which I admit is still on the long list of books on my list to read. In iDeath, everyone eats together and there is only one industry in the town. The sun and watermelons vary in color every day and everything is made from the watermelon sugar - different colors for different types of things. It sounds like my kind of place. Anyway, I replaced my old paperback with a new edition, which includes Hogwarts from the Harry Potter series. The pages were literally falling out of the old one.

Siddartha was the first book I read with any spiritual undertones (perhaps undertones is an understatement) besides maybe parts of the Bible. It's a fictional account of a Buddha-like figure and his journey, both physical and spiritual. I am not sure why it drew me in at such a young age (I think I read it at 14 maybe) but it still holds a lot for me.

The I'd like to Teach the World to Sing coloring book from Unicef was my favorite growing up. My mom was an excellent color-er (she still is I bet) and we filled in the images with these fine felt tip pens I had. Most of the book is still uncolored, I'm not sure why, probably because I lost the pens along the way. Reading the song lyrics printed at the top of each page, I am thinking it shaped me as a human, and I can still consider it my theme song.

I'd like to build the world a home
and furnish it with love
grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
and keep it company

I'd like to see the world for once
all standing hand in hand
and hear them echo through the hills
for peace throuout the land

thats the song I hear
Let the world sing today
a song of peace
that echoes on
and never goes away

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony

I'd like to build the world a home
and funish it with love
grow apple trees and honey bees
and snow white turtle doves

I'd like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
and keep it company

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

2011-02-08T10:17:00.003-05:00

I love karaoke, but I know my limitations when it comes to performing. I would like to be less nervous, sing better, and rely less on the lyrics on the screen. It's a small thing, and I'm sure there are many many things I'd like to improve at, but it's the first that comes to mind.

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

2011-02-07T10:53:00.002-05:00

I have no picture, because there really isn't anything I would like to forget. I've wished for that in my life, on occasions where the pain is great after whatever trauma I've experienced, but it does subside with time, and forgetting would only serve me temporarily. Then, I would not have learned the lesson I needed to (not that I will learn it for sure without repeating the experience, of course). What we experience shapes us and helps us grow, we hopefully develop new insights and wisdom along the way.

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

2011-02-06T17:08:00.003-05:00

I would love to go to Bali. I'd also love to visit England, France, India, Singapore, Denmark, Iceland, Greece, and the Netherlands, to name a few.

19. A picture of you when you were little

2011-02-05T19:30:00.003-05:00

I was six and visiting my grandparents in Florida (I still lived in Virginia). They took me to Disney World, the Dreher Park Zoo, and "Peter and the Wolf" outdoor ballet, which was my favorite part. I still remember the orchestra and the vibrant costumes and the wonderful narration. It was my first plane ride by myself, and it stands out as one of my fondest childhood memories.

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

2011-02-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

I feel most insecure at work. I sometimes feel like I do an awesome job with very little or a little more effort, then boom, I get "in trouble" for something, which is very easy to do when you're a big picture person in a small detail bureaucracy.

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

2011-02-03T16:53:00.001-05:00

divorce, yeah, it makes a big impact.

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

2011-02-02T09:28:00.002-05:00

I am not sure I have the words to express just how much she inspires me. This woman is my closest friend, and she inspires me both by her sincere encouragement of me examining myself and my life, with profound insight, and by her own ability to live honestly. She doesn't even know just how much I admire her.

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

2011-02-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

I've wanted a tattoo for years, but was indecisive about what to get and where to put it. Now I know, but still keep procrastinating, likely due to fear of the pain factor. I said I wanted to get it before my birthday, but I didn't. Hmmm, maybe before my next one?

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

2011-01-31T18:50:00.003-05:00

I've had the misfortune of living for extended periods without many of the very people I could not have previously imagined living without. One of my life struggles, I think, is to come to terms with loss. Losing relationships, for me, is one of the most painful and scary things I've had to, and likely will have to again, endure.

That said, this is my sister, who is one of the only people I really and truly have no imagination of life without, and feel very confident is in it with me for the long haul.

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

2011-01-30T10:47:00.003-05:00

Remember those musical history lessons I mentioned? I'm pretty sure at least 20 of them were about Joni. She's a brilliant songwriter, whose work has influenced generations of artists behind her, especially, but not exclusively, female ones. Her voice, once light, airy, lovely and powerful all at once, has aged into a deeper, more jaded voice, showing metaphorically her growth as a musician as well.

12. A picture of something you love

2011-01-29T09:14:00.002-05:00

I love my friends, and what you can't see in the picture (because I ate it) is green tea creme brulee from Dragonfly.

11. A picture of something you hate

2011-01-28T14:42:00.002-05:00

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

2011-01-27T23:09:00.004-05:00

Photo by Shannon Jackson

I don't really do fucked up things, but when I have, it's been with Sarah. I can't even write in this post some of the things that happened when we were in New York. Some things are better left between friends, and what happens in New York, stays in New York.

Note on the photo: Halloween 2009, Sarah had a party. She was a vampire, I was Marla from Fight Club (part of the trio of course), and craziness ensued.

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

2011-01-26T23:20:00.004-05:00

This was a hard photo to choose. I have many wonderful supportive people in my life. I rely on them when things are rough, and my dearest friends know I like to talk things through and lean on them. I can't choose one person to express how much appreciation I have for this to. No matter how wonderful they are, my friends, family, and partners cannot "get me through," anything, they can only help me find my way.

8. A picture that makes you laugh

2011-01-25T14:23:00.002-05:00

Leila cracks me up.

7. A picture of most treasured item

2011-01-24T13:51:00.003-05:00

I don't have a lot of attachment to "objects" in general,and mostly the things I have, though I like them, would be easily let go of. I do however, have a few "treasured items" which mostly have some sort of sentimental value or happy memory attached.

My Grandma Norma made me this pillow when I was little. I don't actually remember not having it, so she may have made it soon after I was born. We were really close, and I lost her in 2004. I have several of her things and it makes me feel good to think of her when I use them. This pillow in particular makes me smile, because it shows off her skills and creativity, some of which I like to think I inherited from her. Plus it's darned cute.

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

2011-01-23T16:34:00.003-05:00

I would love to know what it's like to live with his sense of peace. I realize we are all as capable as he is, and that I, personally, feel much peace within myself and living in the world. I would still like to feel what he feels for a day.

5. A picture of your favorite memory

2011-01-22T17:12:00.008-05:00

My junior year of high school, my dad won a trip for two to Hawaii from his job. He had sold the most cars that year for his dealership, which was quite an accomplishment. He took me, and as a consolation, sent my sister to Tennessee to visit a friend who had moved away. The time we spent in Hawaii, over Thanksgiving weekend, is a memory I cherish. Hawaii is beautiful, relaxed, and peaceful, and the one on one time with my dad was really special. We rented a car and drove around (literally) Oahu, caught a huge surfing competition on the north shore, stopped at hippy little roadside art (and "herb") stands, lay on the beach, ate delicious food (as well as poi, the most disgusting food I've ever had) at a luau, met cool locals, and, on the last day before we took off, went to see Mrs. Doubtfire at a cinema. I cried through the movie (it was a really funny comedy), mainly because Daniel/Mrs. Doubtfire was so close to his kids, and the relationship reminded me of my own with my dad. I looked over and he was crying too. We laughed too, mainly at how similar we are. I'm glad.

4. A picture of your night

2011-01-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

A night with friends at Durty Nelly's, a pub I love except for the scent of cigarette smoke in the air. It was eighties night, and I admit I had a few tough moments due to songs bringing up significant memories, but overall a fun night with friends.

I've begun to think awkward situations become less so with practice, not avoidance.

A few more photos:

Day 3: A picture of the cast of your favorite show

2011-01-20T09:38:00.000-05:00

Clockwise from bottom left: Sarah Eggar, Casey Stern, Edward "Doc" Ray, and Liddy Freeman

Closer was the first show I was involved in after a very very long break from the theatre. I was the (most awesome) stage manager (ever), and this is one of many photos of the cast. The cast, and everyone else involved, became extremely close and it was one of those theatre experiences you dream of having. The show was a success, got held over, and I can honestly say that because of my involvement, I met or got to know better about five very close friends.

The show also was prescient, in some ways, for one of the cast members, and later, for myself. The director said he often writes works or chooses projects that somehow end up relevant to his own life. He maybe should have been more careful, or maybe not. Life is art, Art is life, after all.

Day 2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

2011-01-19T09:07:00.004-05:00

Yeah, it's my dad. I mean, we've been close since I was born, and I don't remember anything before that. He is a great dad, if a bit unconventional. When I was a kid, he gave me music lessons. Not lessons on playing an instrument (though he plays piano and guitar), but musical history lessons, specifically rock history. He would demonstrate how all rock and roll is based on three chords, and would go from song to song on the piano to demonstrate. I'm pretty sure this is why I love music so much, and especially music from when my dad was a teen/in his early twenties.

When my parents divorced, my little sister and I lived with him. That's pretty unusual, but in our case, it made the most sense. He was a single dad to two girls, one easy (me) and one...difficult (my sis), but we're both awesome adults, in no small part thanks to this old hippie.

That's him third from the left.

and now for something different: 30 pics/posts in 30 days

2011-01-18T16:46:00.008-05:00

A new friend is doing this on her blog, and I've had other friends do "365"s - I need a smaller time commitment with some built in boundaries (I'm less creative with a blank page than with an assignment of sorts) and so I thought, "why not?.". So here we go...

1. A picture of yourself and 15 facts

1.This photo is the first one taken with my new camera. It's the first one I've had that's been all mine since I had a 110 film camera when I was about 8 or 9. The last one I shared with my ex-husband and it was more "his" than mine - it was big and bulky and expensive and I hated carrying it around. This one is tiny, easy to use, and takes great, effortless (almost) shots. We've already had great times together, and a not so great time when a friend dropped it, leaving me camera-less again for a few weeks. Glad I have this series to keep me motivated to use it every day.

2. I have a streak of absentmindedness. I forget things at home I meant to bring to work with me, or forget to call someone when I meant to, etc. etc. My ex-husband thinks it's from all the second-hand pot-smoke I inhaled as a child.

3. I have a really hard time saying no to those I love, even when it's in my best interests to do so. Sometimes even when I haven't really been asked for anything. It means I am easily taken advantage of. It's something I've been working on (a lot) but still catches me sometimes. I appreciate so much the few friends I have who check me on it, even when they are asking the favor.

4. Right now, for the first time in a long time, ALL of my closest friends (save my boyfriend) are far away physically. I cannot remedy this, I do not wish to replace them with others who are near (though I am blessed with many dear friends who are near too), and I miss them so much.

5. The first career aspiration I had was to be a singer. I'm happy to say I am one, even if the extent of my performances are karaoke and musical theatre ensembles occasionally. I don't have the best voice in the world, but it's pretty nice and I feel good using it. In fact, I am never unhappy (even when I am) if I'm singing.

6. When in doubt of something to do, I cook.

7. I don't really keep up with the news or world events, and that's fine with me. I don't think I'm less interesting or intelligent because of it.

8. Even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, even done things I am totally not proud of, I am enraged at the hint of my integrity being questioned.

9. I am really really bad at video games. My hand eye coordination, especially my left hand in general, is below average. Even with lots of practice, I get to a mediocre level at best. Same with choreographed dancing. Yet, I can and do drive a stick shift.

10. I am not good at multi-tasking. I am very good at intense focus, so if I am in the middle of something, I CANNOT hear you.

11. I really like designing little brochures and fliers. I made a friend a little cookbooklet and I think it's one of the cutest things I ever made.

12. When I get into something, I'm really enthusiastic about it, for a while at least. Right now, it's etsy, thrift stores, this one kind of pickle, beer, and hula hooping. If I especially like a product or have a favorite flavor of something, it inevitably is discontinued or made ridiculously hard to get, like the pickles.

13. I used to hate purple. I've grown to love it, and even have a purple couch.

14. Speaking of couches, most of my furniture was given to me, inherited, or purchased used for very very little money. I love (almost) every piece in my home.

15. I am very seriously considering getting rid of my old tv. I use it so rarely and mainly watch stuff on my fancy new macbook pro anyway.

Upcoming:

2. A picture of you and person you’ve been the closest with the longest

3. A picture of the cast of your favorite show

4. A picture of your night

5. A picture of your favorite memory

6. A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

7. A picture of most treasured item

8. A picture that makes you laugh

9. A picture of a person who has gotten you through the most

10. A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

11. A picture of something you hate

12. A picture of something you love

13. A picture of your favourite band or artist

14. A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

15. A picture of something you want to do before you die

16. A picture of someone who inspires you

17. A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

18. A picture of your biggest insecurity

19. A picture of you when you were little

20. A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

21. A picture of something you wish you could forget

22. A picture of something you wish you were better at

23. A picture of your favorite book

24. A picture of something you wish you could change

25. A picture of your day

26. A picture of something that means a lot to you

27. A picture of yourself and a family member

28. A picture of something your afraid of

29. A picture that can always make you smile

30. A picture of someone you miss

Tied and Untied

2011-01-07T15:34:00.003-05:00

I had dinner with a former "boyfriend" from high school recently. We had not really spoken to each other since we "broke up" save a meager greeting at our ten year reunion and a less meager one last January at a memorial gathering, where we exchanged pleasantries but not much more.

In high school, we were very close. I fell in love, he broke my heart, yada yada yada, not that original a story. We ended badly and never made amends. We took separate paths and after (a long) time, he drifted from my mind/heart in the natural way. When we were close, I felt a strong attachment to him, a deep emotional connection, common bond, mutual interests, care and concern, etc. in the same way I (still) care deeply about my more recent "lost loves."

I was surprised but excited by his invitation, and I didn't know what to expect or feel, but I was open to renewing a friendship and at least reminiscing. I remember the good parts of our relationship more than the bad...really there wasn't "bad" except that it ended before I wanted it too.

So we met up, had dinner, a few laughs, and it was overall a pleasant night out exchanging stories and catching up about our lives.

...and that was it. Those deep emotions I used to have, the feeling we had a bond, connection, a "string" between us, if you will, was gone. It was like I met a new person and we were becoming acquainted. I sensed no sparkle of attraction, no real desire to keep in touch (though it was a pleasant enough evening), and I imagine the same on his end. In fact, he seemed to me a completely different person, one I would not likely choose to be involved with.

This makes me unbelievably sad. To think that in ten years I could have dinner with my more recently lost partners, friends, and loves, and not still feel some connection to them, well, it breaks my heart in a way that just losing the relationships we had doesn't. I feel a need to hold on to the strings that connect us, even while I can feel them drifting further away, and letting go of their sides of the strings.

Hand Towels

2010-09-23T10:00:00.002-04:00

I have this thing about them. They have to be folded in half, with the tag to the inside and draped over the bar with the tag in the back and the "fold" toward the center, so that the two identical towels are symmetrical and neat in appearance.

I don't make my bed daily or mop my floors, well, ever. But the towels must stay perfect.

No one else who visits my bathroom notices they are this way, and I quietly fix them each time someone has used them and draped them back incorrectly. I needn't worry others with this small anal idiosyncrasy of mine.

I recall one of the first times an important character in my life came to my house. He commented that it was nice we had hand towels, that it's a small detail that he appreciates that often people miss. I think it's nice to have a place to dry your hands that doesn't seem to be someone's used bath towel.

Connect the dots, la la la la

2010-09-23T09:50:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of hospital lobby or some institutional type of place, it was in another city...maybe Orlando? While there, I ran into Karen Rausch, a friend from high school who I was always fond of. In the dream, I was so excited to see her (in reality, we lost touch after college, and she isn't even on facebook), gave her huge hug, and then she went back to work (she worked wherever I was - they were all wearing blue). Then I mistook someone else for her, talked to this other woman in blue who resembled Karen, and exchanged numbers with her before realizing it wasn't Karen. Then Karen found me again, and we exchanged emails. Later I got an email from her saying "the coke broke me up" I'm sure you could tell by my teeth (?)...in the dream I recall thinking how I hadn't noticed and never suspected she'd done drugs, and that I should tell Eric, a mutual friend of ours in college, that I ran into her...

Karen was in chorus with me, had perfect pitch and a beautiful voice, and I haven't thought of her in years. Why now, or is her character in my dream something else? What is it telling me? Hmmm?

Wisdom of friends

2010-08-05T09:44:00.002-04:00

I have friends whose influence on me could not be more positive. I am going to listen to them.

One said to me last night that I may be taking comfort in continuing to feel the way I do, that sometimes the familiar pain can be easier than letting it go, and that it is only a conversation with myself at this point. She recommended a ceremony to finally break free, and I am thinking of little ceremonies I can use to clear out the emotional clutter left behind that is no longer serving me.

It is not the first time the idea has surfaced, I just realize now that it is the only way.

Break

2010-06-01T13:42:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should take a break from everything for a while. I spend a lot of time doing. Things for others, things for me, but I don't often just sit still with myself. So after the play closes this weekend, I'm going to quit the Kickstand, not help with another show, and just go to work every day and try to spend quality time with myself. I know this sounds like a lot of people who complain they are overextended, need their "me" time, and excuse themselves from dinner with the kids to take a bath, but it isn't that. I enjoy my life very much, and love the people in it, and the activities I involve myself in, but I use those things (my friends, my hobbies, etc.) maybe a little too much to fill every day with distraction, when maybe I need to get a little inside.

I recently applied for a part-time position as an on call victim advocate, which was filled before I applied. I'll take that as a sign it isn't time just yet for me to take on something else. Maybe if they have another opening in a few months.

In the me(an)time, I'm going to redecorate my house and make lots of delicious food.

Circle

2010-03-14T09:32:00.002-04:00

"You have been to hell, Ketut?"
He smiled. Of course he's been there.
"What's it like in hell?"
"Same like in heaven," he said.
He saw my confusion and tried to explain. "Universe is a circle, Liss."
He said. "To up, to down -- all same, at end."
I remembered an old Christian mystic notion: As above, so below.
I asked. "Then how can you tell the difference between heaven and hell?"
"Because of how you go. Heaven, you go up, through seven happy places. Hell, you go down, through seven sad places. This is why it better for you to go up, Liss." He laughed.
"Same-same," he said. "Same in end, so better to be happy in journey."
I said, "So, if heaven is love, then hell is.. "
"Love, too," he said.
Ketut laughed again, "Always so difficult for young people to understand this!"
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Spring

2010-02-21T12:15:00.003-05:00

"Whenever there is turmoil in a relationship, I think if truth is pursued, the relationship will take it's proper form."

A dear friend said this to me the other day and it keeps turning over in my mind. We were chatting after he gave me a massage in the beautiful sunshine, a trade for my feeding him. It is a study in mutual benefit and giving we only recently got back to after quite a long time. He and I have an easy friendship that tends to come and go, but does so with ease.

If only all of my relationships could exist this way. But of course, then I would not have anything to help me appreciate this one.

Hopefully soon, the rest of mine will take their "proper forms," whatever they may be, and I will feel more ease with those I care most about.

a new chapter

2010-02-11T16:07:00.002-05:00

My dad and i share a love for music, and we have a little routine where he starts playing and i start singing. This is how i learned to sing when i was young, and whenever we perform in the living room, it's a cherished moment. We have "songs" that remind me of moments from childhood, "our" song ("That's what Friends are For" - Dionne Warwick and friends) that describes my relationship with my dad at its best, others that we just both love. My dad has a binder with sheet music for most every song the beatles recorded, and during a very sad and painful weekend back in July, we were doing one Beatles tune after another when we came to "For No One."

“For No One” by the Beatles

Your day breaks, your mind aches,
You find that all her words of kindness linger on,
When she no longer needs you.

She wakes up, she makes up,
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry,
She no longer needs you.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

You want her, you need her,
And yet you don't believe her,
When she says her love is dead,
You think she needs you.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

You stay home, she goes out,
She says that long ago she knew someone but now,
He's gone, she doesn't need him.

Your day breaks, your mind aches,
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head,
You won't forget her.

And in her eyes you see nothing,
No sign of love behind the tears cried for no one,
A love that should have lasted years.

I couldn't finish the song, for tears were raining down my face and my voice became very weak. I quickly turned the page and focused on another, so that my husband would hopefully not notice my reaction to the song or the song itself. It's one example of the lengths I've gone to hide myself from him over the past year or so, fears of what my emotions, or lack thereof, meant, overwhelming the potential relief that would come from "coming clean." That phrase sticks in my mind, as now that's how i feel. Though there is much instability and uncertainty, I feel clean and unmuddy.

And so now we've turned a page, and my goal in moving forward is to feel the truth inside me, to share it without hesitation, and to remain unattached to the outcome. Believe it or not, this may prove to be a great effort for me, but i'm now willing to undertake it.

Resolution update

2009-12-06T10:10:00.002-05:00

I love how when you make these lists, they seem to happen as if by magic. It isn't magic of course, but when I put down my New Year's resolutions in August, my intent was planted.

so here's an update:

1. Auditions - for Singin' in the Rain, Independence, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf: Well, I got into Singin', so I couldn't audition for Independence. I missed Virginia Woolf auditions, but I think the cast is great and it would have taken too much time from my souping. Singin' in the Rain was great fun, if exhausting. I learned some lessons from it too.

2. Work on some financial stuff - it's happening, alongside the other stuff.

3. Once weather cools, be the Soup Fairy - Stay tuned. Very soon, I will wave my soup wand all over this town.

4. Finally write the food blog and keep it up: Okay, I've not yet started, but it is in mind. I might do Examiner to hold myself accountable.

5. Help with hubby's next play: am helping, will be costumer. Cast is gelling, everyone is fun and gets along great!

6. Start Hypnotherapy program in March 2010: a little afraid I won't be able to afford it. pushing that thought out of my mind.

7. Throw some little parties with friends more often: done and doing.

so I guess i disagree with the whole "announcing plans makes one less likely to follow through" theory...

Insight

2009-09-27T09:39:00.007-04:00

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Excerpts from this article, which is also the first chapter of NurtureShock: New thinking about children, which I am currently reading.:

"For a few decades, it’s been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.

When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short."

and

“Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”

This is all so very common sense, isn't it? Thinking about my own childhood and early school experiences, it explains so much of my personal struggles with taking on new challenges, "coasting" through school (and work) by taking "the easy way," and even my difficulties getting over personal "failures" into adulthood.

Holy Cannoli!

What I meant to say only I didn't...

2009-09-08T16:54:00.004-04:00

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html

Quick lesson in manifestation

2009-09-08T10:46:00.002-04:00

Setting: Ginnie Springs on a beautiful Saturday, getting out of cars, slathering sunscreen, etc.

Friend: You're wearing your flip flops, they might get lost...
Me: Nah, they stay on tight and I don't want to walk all the way to the river entrance barefoot... and besides, if I do lose them, it's no big deal.

Later, upon entering the river, not quite in our tubes yet, we're tying them together, making sure food bag stays dry, cooler floats, etc...

I'm walking in the water, sandals still on. The river bottom is soft quicksand-like mud, which quickly grabs one of my sandals and my foot slips out. I feel around for it, but it's gone, and I, unprepared to dive in to search for it, decide to let the river have its way and let the other one go as well.

New Year's Resolutions - in August.

2009-08-23T10:50:00.007-04:00

It's been an entire year since I posted about finding what I think may be the next step in my path, and though I am only inches down it, I am still committed to walking it. It has been a year more trying than any other, in my life and in my relationships. I have realized I have only been in my own way all along, and it's up to me to create the life I want. So, here's the idea for the next year, put out there for all to see:

1. Auditions - for Singing in the Rain, Independence, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

2. Work on some financial stuff.

3. Once weather cools, be the Soup Fairy.

4. Finally write the food blog and keep it up.

5. Help with hubby's next play.

6. Start Hypnotherapy program in March 2010.

7. Throw some little parties with friends more often.

Learned

2009-07-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

I can sometimes be selfish, irresponsible, dishonest, cold, and even a little mean, and yet those who love me, still love me.

I resist change in myriads of ways, but I do take risks, mainly with my "heart."

My emotions are like water, they flow right around and over the haphazard walls I try to build.

I usually nurture others, and have had trouble being assertive. Apparently, this may be a recipe for co-dependence.

I don't necessarily see the truth right in front of me until much too late.

We all share a responsibility to ourselves and those around us, but no one needs to accept blame after the fact.

I may only have the present and can make choices to affect the future, but letting go of what's past remains the most difficult.

"Love" may change, but it never leaves.

Aftermath

2009-06-22T09:07:00.004-04:00

I am a broken record, with a deep scratch along one side, which keeps getting stuck on the same old line. Gently, you lift the record and move it just ahead of the scratch, and I keep moving for a little while, until I get stuck again. Hopefully soon we'll flip to the B-side, where there is no scratch, and the line I get stuck on is a distant memory.

Fire Part 2

2009-04-28T16:56:00.001-04:00

The fall was soft and slow
not hard and fast
like the first time
so I was taken unawares
found myself
in orbit
Unprepared for when the
warm, playful glances
innocent touches and
gravity
finally revealed
the glowing wreckage

I have this friend...

2009-01-12T07:45:00.002-05:00

who I am completely honest with. I can feel the electric twinkly strings that connect us. She is full of drama, passion, art, history, and love. and we don't know each other all that well. but we do.

sometimes it hits me hard that in this thing called life we find the right people, we are drawn to those we decided to travel with, that it's magical and mysterious but so very simple.

and I'm grateful.

Setback

2008-11-30T10:04:00.002-05:00

I've been inside my head a lot lately. Oh, sure, I seem to be as conversational as ever, an open book emotionally-speaking, but there's something happening here.

This last year has been full of new experiences, endless joy, excitement of new friendships together with the ease and comfort of old ones. I have grown more myself than ever, and yet...yesterday I was hiding.

I was just sad. A little teary here and there, feeling insecure, awkward, and uncomfortable. I couldn't articulate it yesterday, and I'm sure today, now that it has passed, won't be much different. I let it flow through, as suggested by someone whose perspective I admire, though he'd wish for no admiration. I appreciate that he noticed.

I realize days like these make for appreciating the better ones, but I have this drive to get to the bottom of things.

I love intensely, and deeply, and I think I've been spreading it around too much to be reciprocated. I've needed friends to listen, to lean on, and I know I have them. I'm so grateful for that, but so hesitant to ask. Then I'm disappointed when my mind is not read and no one comes to the rescue.

On top of that, I write this and set it out into the world, and expect that no one is reading it except the one who doesn't really need to.

Fire

2008-11-16T11:02:00.000-05:00

flirt
dance
circle, sparkle
my mind wanders, wonders where the edge is.
my fingers speak silently,
daring not share
what I already have.
knowing I shouldn't, but wanting
there is danger here.
I cannot be trusted to follow rules
I did not make them.
We did not make them.

I show my self.
Would we crumble?
we tease,
we joke.
we don't.

2008-11-06T16:44:00.002-05:00

Have You Ever...

Over at From Skilled Hands, Debra asks,
“Have you ever…?”

Bold the things you’ve done and will admit to.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars (in a tent)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (from inside through the windows)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (not a real one...just an evening on a cruiseboat with my high school class)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (some of mine are from VA)
35. Seen an Amish community (I'm not counting seeing them downtown shopping)
36. Taught yourself a new language (do video courses count?)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (but I was never a girl scout!)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades (don't know if "tour" is the right word)
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (Does Debbie Boone count?)
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

How about you?

"What do you do?"

2008-10-08T06:52:00.004-04:00

When someone first meets me and asks the dreaded question, why do I feel compelled to (as many of us do) describe my job when the real question is "Who are you and why should I care?" I know that's why I ever ask such a lame question. Why do we attach ourselves to how we earn money? I'm trying to stop letting the first thing I say about "what I do" be "I manage a Volunteer Program, this is what that is, blah blah, blah." When I DO so many other things that have more value to me. I can't escape the fact though that my work needs to be more fulfilling because of the energy and time I spend on it. I must try to have it define who i am less.

I have spent a lot of years not really knowing the "what I want to do with my life" work piece, just floating from job to job as they came up. I finally feel now like I have a stronger, more self-determined road in front of me and committing to it, though a bit scary, has really calmed the voice inside that tells me how much I don't want to go to work today. I am still just coasting along at work, but I'm more at peace with staying there as long as i need to until I am further down the new path. It certainly has improved my mood anyway. And I can start answering "What do you do?" a lot more truthfully.

Sssshhhhhh!!!! She may have found something...

2008-08-23T11:22:00.002-04:00

I'm still in the early exploration stages, so I'll not say too much...but I might have found a suitable option, something that will allow me to use my natural strengths to help others as individuals in a real, deep, meaningful way, while answering only to myself, without dealing too much with crises or with people who don't really want or need my services.

These are really the main issues at the heart of my current dissatisfaction work-wise, after all.

I'll keep you posted.

On "the issues"

2008-07-12T22:54:00.002-04:00

So, how do I support my views? Here's an excerpt (clarified as needed for my audience in italics) from my response to that friend I mentioned in the last post:

I am certainly ill-equipped to speak much about Iraq, except that I know before Saddam and the first Gulf War it was a thriving, modern, egalitarian country with literacy, education, and property rights for all (I know only because I had a dear friend who had to leave when it changed, she was a prime example of their highly educated, successful, high-status women). Of course we might be (our military, rather) trying to help them regain that. Now that we're there, what else can we do? I do not watch the current news or keep up much anymore, I will admit. BUT we are not at war or reconstructing every nation where oppression, massacres, mutilation, and poverty reign: only in those where we have an economic interest.

I think there are liberals and conservatives and those in between in every state. I'm sure with all the great wealth in LA (my friend used to live in LA and commented on the largely conservative public) there is an abundance of Republicanism. Mainly because to a large degree they are the politicians who allow the ultra-wealthy and huge corporations to become more so by providing tax subsidies for them to pocket while cutting budgets for programs like the one I work in, although Democrats do this too, which is what sickens and saddens me about our policy and politics.

I understand a tax cut is felt in your pocket, but your salary and mine are paid by those taxes. The program I manage receives federal money, which they've received less and less of, while the costs of operating the program have gone up, so, while I haven't been compensated fairly, I've been asked to stretch my already tight budget to provide for my 100+ low-income volunteers who help many of those very students who aren't getting the best education because they happen to live in poverty. Not their fault, but you have to admit they'll have a hell of a time getting out of it. College isn't even on their radar, and how would they ever get to India? I couldn't even go to India for a job if I wanted to. Which I don't. (My friend mentioned that people who "choose not go to college", in this competitive, global market, may have to move to India or China, if that's where the jobs are).

But at the same time, a SuperWalmart was built down the road and the County, with tax money, helped them with it, by providing infrastructure and with direct tax breaks. Woo-hoo, they gave a bunch of people minimum wage jobs. If they passed more profits on to their employees and provided health care, etc. etc. etc. I'd maybe be okay with that, but they only keep their workers dependent on them and do not allow them to develop much further. Not to mention sucking money out of the local economy and sending it to their few rich shareholders.

My friend thinks we don't need tax-supported health care, siting that in Japan, the elderly are revered and cared for by the younger generations.

If we had a utopia where our culture understood and taught the young to care for our families and elderly, and to take care of their bodies better, then yes, there would be no need for governmental support for health care. Sadly, we live in a place controlled by marketing and corporations, where children are taught to stay inside because the woods are scary, so they watch TV and grow obese and need diabetes medicine later on. Not all kids, but it is getting worse. But then again, there would still be a need for medical systems since not all illness and injuries are caused by our poor lifestyle habits. I agree in general though that the government should not necessarily provide the insurance themselves. They simply don't do a great job. I don't have a solution, but high insurance premiums affect me too, which are caused by all those people in our culture who are sicker and sicker because of lifestyle issues. I take care of myself and need very little medical attention, but I pay dearly for the "just in case of emergency." A big problem to me is that our policy-makers make it easier and easier for the public to be manipulated by corporate marketing and duped by our media, so most have no idea how they are actually affected directly, and then they do not participate and allow it to continue.

My friend doesn't "care" about global warming since he is not personally a big contributor to it nor does he feel the impact himself (he makes decisions largely based on how they affect him personally).

I don't really care if global warming is, in fact, a reality (which of course I think it is based on my personal research which may not be comprehensive). I think that there are plenty of other reasons to try to live in better balance with the earth. I think we, as a whole, simply use too much (and the US way more than it's share) of our resources and that can't go on forever. This will cause problems not so much for the earth, but for people. Yes, I still use gas and electricity, but I try to do my part to reduce my own need, both for selfish reasons (less $ spent for me) and because if I ride my bike to work a few times a week, those resources last that much longer as a whole. I agree (with my friend) that new technologies and more sustainable energy sources are being developed by those same industries (that produce gasoline and drill for oil, for example), which I think is appropriate, but I think there's room for smaller companies and individuals too. Certainly we have enough knowledge at this point that we don't need to start new drilling or open new coal burning power plants.

This was my "closing statement":

Anyway, I didn't really intend to "argue," but of course I want to support my own views. I don't generally have an issue with the beliefs behind a truly Republican outlook. I understand conservativism in that way, though I don't agree. Unfortunately, I think most often, the politicians actually involved and identified as "Republican" don't hold true to what the term really means: Fiscally conservative, less government involvement, etc. That's been transformed into something entirely different, which is causing a very real economic and social divide in our country and reducing the quality of life for many. Many of whom still support those very politicians who are really working against them.

Whew, just had to share. It really stressed me out for some reason.

You might know this already, but...

2008-07-12T22:28:00.006-04:00

I recently got in touch with an old friend from my "super-christian" days. We've headed in very different directions; spiritually, physically, and politically; but still have been able to find a little common ground based on our old affection for each other.

In response to his explaining what he believed to me, I felt this need to respond in kind, backing up my own beliefs and politics with evidence, both experienced and learned indirectly. This is often a difficult task for me, but it was easier in the less personal email message form.

In person or on the phone (especially on the phone), I have a hard time with disagreement or conflict, whether it's political or personal. I get a little nervous at even a hint of judgment from the other party, no matter how close they are to me or how much I know that they will love me regardless of the conflict or perceived conflict at hand. No one (not even my family, my best friends, or you, dear reader) is immune from my nervousness, no matter how inconsequential the conversation or how at ease I usually am.

I try to hide it, but often I can feel the tension between us. The awkward silence, the slow response, my inability to answer or form questions, my sheer discomfort.

One would think I'd have gotten over it by now, what with all my gray hairs popping up and general self-assuredness (yes I made up that word) I have found. But this is still something that I can't control, and happens when I least expect it.

I am working on it, though, I promise.

Maybe it's all in your name....

2008-07-10T08:07:00.003-04:00

Thanks, Sunny Horizons...

Check out http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp to do yours.

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 96
There are 6 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 9

An Inner Dream number of 9 means:
You dream of being creative, intellectual, and universal; the selfless humanitarian. You understand the needy and what to help them. You would love to be a person people count on for support and advice.

Losing my mind

2008-06-29T09:45:00.002-04:00

My grandfather was a certified genius. I mean, his IQ (however unreliable a tool) was over 200 and he graduated high school at 14, setting a precedent for me to "skip a grade" in elementary school. My dad's a pretty smart cookie too. In school, he was in special classes later called "gifted" (but not back then) that did two year long projects. But we all three, some might say, never "fulfilled our potential." Well, my grandfather had a successful NY government career in vocational rehabilitation, but that's not exactly "rocket science," to use an old cliche. My dad miserably worked in sales most of his life, dreaming of the musician he should have been (well, he is a musician, but he never pursued a career doing it). That was after he married the beautiful but screwed up 17 year old that eventually became my beautiful but screwed up mother. Where was his genius then? Of course, genius is overrated when it comes to predicting life choices. But how is it that we all, rather than harnessing the brain power and, well, doing something that used those vast brain stores, floated into an abyss of averageness, at least when it came to careers (and other things too, but I won't go into that right now)? Anyone who knew me in college would agree that, though it was interesting and "practical," I chose the "easy" course of study, in which I "earned" my "cum laude" with, admittedly, very little personal effort. And now, much of my "problem" with work is that I simply don't need to think all that much. If I had been more willing to challenge myself then, by doing something that required me to work and think harder (say...engineering or chemistry, both of which I considered), would I be more fulfilled now? Not that there isn't still time for me, but even now I keep thinking about how difficult most of the options I think of would be. Isn't that what I keep whining about? I crave more challenges, but at the same time avoid them. Of course, my personality may have still led me to more people-oriented work, and inate intelligence doesn't really get you very far if you're paralyzed with indecision.

Insanity, The Office-style

2008-06-14T11:12:00.002-04:00

Actual email message from my boss:

Questions have arisen regarding the new time sheets and required work time. All staff are to work 8.5 hour days or 42.5 hours per week. If you’ve been approved to work 4, 10 hour days the equivalent is 10.65 hours or 10 hours and 39 minutes per day).

There are also two choices which are to a) take a 1 hour lunch with no breaks, or b) take a ½ hour lunch and 2 - 15 minute breaks.
No one may leave ½ hour or 1 hour early or come in late by not taking breaks or lunch. If you have a medical apt. early in the morning or late in the afternoon, you may not use your lunch times in lieu of your leave time. If apt.’s are during your normal lunch period then that is acceptable, assuming you don’t also take an hour for lunch.

Also, it was explained some time ago that if you have lunch as part of a required meeting, such as our staff meetings, you may then take a ½ hour break if needed, but not have lunch and then take another hour off for lunch.

Flex time may be used as needed and with approval, but you may not use flexing on a daily basis to shorten your work day. Salaried staff do not receive hour for hour flex time.

I hope this clarifies things for everyone and should ensure consistency and equity. If you have any questions or concerns, please see me. The most important concern is that we’re here for our stakeholders when they need us, which for now is Monday-Friday from 8:30-5:00.

Then the next day we had a Department Luau party for two hours.

NOTE: I work 4 10 hour days, and this was my response, which was not yet replied to:

I’m not sure who you discussed it with but I’m pretty sure the County has always figured the 4/10 week like this:
Five day, 8 hour/day employee works, given ½ paid, ½ unpaid hour long lunch break, for a workday length of 8.5 hours. Time actually worked is 7.5 hours (7.5 x 5 = 37.5 hours).
Four day, 10 hour/day employee works, given ½ paid, ½ unpaid, hour long lunch break, for a workday length of 10.5 hours. Time actually worked is 9.5 hours (9.5 x 4 = 38 hours).
So actually the 4/10 employee works a half hour longer than the 5/8 the way the County sets up its breaks.
The breaks and lunch time are given per workday (based on hours/day, regardless of the hours worked per week – that is the legal requirement), not per total hours worked, which is why it is still fair for the 4/10 employee to work the extra half hour. The 5 day employee gets 5 hour-long breaks, whereas the 4 day employee gets (rightly) 4 hour-long breaks. If a 4 day employee is required to have 10 hour 39 minute work days to have the equivalent workday hour length, they should then have the equivalent of 5 hour-long breaks, to make the time actually worked equitable, which doesn’t make sense if they are only working 4 days.

Don't even get me started on the factory based "two fifteen minute breaks" instead of just using them at the end of the day to leave a 1/2 hour earlier.

Crazy.

Toothpaste

2008-06-09T09:29:00.002-04:00

Mundanities can be very frustrating sometimes. In my personal quest to use less, waste less, and purchase ethically, I come to a toothpaste crossroads. I'm sure many have been in this predicament, but here it is:

I really like Tom's of Maine toothpastes, especially the no artificial flavoring and gentle taste that doesn't burn my sensitive tongue, and the mostly recyclable packaging is why I bought it in the first place. And it's a good company, giving back to their community and all that.

But, the aluminum tube packaging is fragile, and cracks open and leaks toothpaste all over my medicine cabinet and sink, and makes it hard to squeeze out, not to mention all the extra I waste. The first time, I thought it was a fluke and I'd be more careful with the next tube. Well, I was more careful, but there was even more cracking.

So, what's the environmentally conscious girl to do?

Try a different brand, right? Not so simple...

First of all, I haven't made up my mind about the fluoride debate. Do I need it in the toothpaste? Maybe not, but since I got braces, I don't think I should risk it just yet. I do not want little cavities forming just under the cement, you know? So that limits my "natural and environmentally friendly" choices a whole heck of a lot right there.

Second of all...Is it too much to ask for there to be more than one company represented in this regard (natural and fluoridated) right here in a local store? Why do I need to go to 3 places (Target- Tom's only territory, of course, Ward's, AND Fresh Market- which I thought would have toothpaste, but doesn't?) only to come up TP free? Now I have to go to Mother Earth, which is fine, but intimidates me. Makes me feel not earthy-crunchy enough.

The only other option I did find was Raspberry-mint flavored. Who wants raspberry toothpaste? Orange? Okay, sure, no worries about drinking juice right after. Lemon? Why not, it's refreshing. Anise, licorice, cinnamon? YES, all lovely herbal clean feeling flavors! But Raspberry? Eww! And I like the berries, really I do, but in toothpaste? It's like brushing with Koolaid.

So, you see what trivial choices occupy huge swaths of my time?

Favorites

2008-05-02T11:02:00.003-04:00

Enough of my whiny, what do I want to do with myself?, crap. This is my list of favorite places (in no particular order) to eat (my favorite thing to do, after all) in Gainesville and why. If anyone still reads this thing, please comment with your own favorites!

The Top: Especially Wednesday nights, because the mac and cheese is thisclose to tasting just like my Grandma's. And I love the lamps. I love the gnocci pesto too. Let's not forget the sweet potato fries.

New Deal and Mildred's: Local, organic food. Potato Parmesan soup, when they have it. Desert. Quiche. Yum.

The Jones: I've only been a few times, but I LOVE everything I've tried. Delicious! And they use compostable takeout containers. Mmmmm.

Satchel's: Who doesn't love it? the salad, the pizza, the menu stories, the music, the art, the happy staff...

Maude's: Who woulda thought to put sweet potatoes and refried beans together in a quesadilla with cheese and delicious fresh salsa? Maude's did, and it's so good! Also, this is the best place to find your friends if you don't know where they are (if they're not at the Top).

Liquid Ginger: Udon noodles. Tea. Lime salad dressing. Pillows. The most comfy booths on the planet. Reasonably priced for lunch (I've never even been for dinner).

Big Lou's Pizza: Great, consistent, anything you want on it pizza, within walking distance to my house. Plus they are always open when we want to go there (unlike Satchel's).

Saigon Legend: Potato curry. potato curry. potato curry. This might be my favorite thing to eat on Earth.

Flaco's: Lentils are so much better than those I make at home. Arepas with cheese. Good latin pastries too.

Emiliano's: Brunch is the best, and desert, oh my, desert!

Chipotle: I know, it's a chain, owned by evil McDonald's. But they use humanely raised meats, and their carnitas is pretty much the only meat I will eat anymore. It's just really good. and fast.

Cabana Cove: Have you been? If not, you should go there, it is really really good! Especially desert.

Silence Broken

2008-03-31T12:19:00.004-04:00

Where have I been, you may wonder. True to form, I have been floating along, not recording much to speak of, while some of my journaling heroes continue to reflect on the minuitae that happens every day. I remind myself that when I was 11-12, I got a diary to write my most personal thoughts (just like my friends all had, right?), and I wrote in the first...five?....pages and it was forever unfinished.

But...when you know who and I were first dating, long distance, we wrote in journal form to each other nearly every day.

Well, anyway, "blogging" isn't something I will give myself guilt over. I will write when I want, and if months go by in between, well, so be it. Hopefully those of you who care to read will still check back once in a while.

I've noticed that I actually figure things out a bit better in conversations. I don't want to forget what I realized though, so I'm just recording it after the fact, I suppose. So, on with it...

Realization #1: I think one of the things I need for my "work" to be more fulfilling and less...eh...is to be personally involved. I like getting to know who people really are, and my work to be connected to it somehow. I don't give a fuck about the "professional" personas that everyone has. No one is honest about who they are, at least where I spend many hours of the week. It's why I sometimes envy my sister, who is a hairstylist. Well, disregarding the business aspects she deals with, her job is talking to her clients and working with them to make them happy with their hair. She gets to know them, makes friends, and connects on a personal level. When I worked in child protection, what I liked best was getting to know my clients, even if it was not always in a "friendly" manner. I'm tired of having to wade through the bureaucracy to get things done that don't even matter much to anyone personally.

That being said, I don't really want to have to work in collaboration with too many others at any given time. It just gets too complicated.

So, back to counseling? I do think I'm more prepared than I previously was to enter the field. I decided not to start on a Master's several years back because I was disillusioned with what my life as a therapist might be. Coming from DCF, I imagined counseling court-ordered individuals who would never really do any work, being faced with endless disappointments as I had in protective services (most of my families never changed that much and repeated the same things over and over). But, now I see my perspective was limited.

But is a mental health counseling MA the way to go? Maybe I should examine other arenas? Are there other ways to go about it? I already know I don't especially want to do crisis counseling. I really think helping in relationships would be the best fit (sound familiar? I think I said this 10 years ago even). Maybe I'll go get some counseling myself...

Winter

2008-01-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that more lives end in the winter. At least I hear of more deaths this time of year. Several friends and acquaintances have lost significant people in their lives recently and I am once again confronted with my own feelings of not knowing how to help. Oh sure, I write a nice card and offer to listen, but there's a helplessness that no one can reach when a parent or good friend is lost that really can't be comforted by anyone else. And my own personal feeling (with a maybe attached?) that they are still connected and "will meet again" (not to be trite- because I don't mean "in heaven") really doesn't matter when you have so much time now to be without them.

Now Read This!

2007-12-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

I have just finished reading Building the Green Economy: Success stories from the Grass Roots, by Kevin Danaher, Shannon Biggs, and Jason Mark. If you're feeling cynical and angsty about the same things that I often do (monoculturization, the environment, health, nutrition, corporate control of ...well, everything, etc., etc., etc.), I encourage, no, I urge you to read it as soon as possible. It's, for lack of a better word, inspiring. Makes you want to pick yourself up and go do something about it, already!

There I go again

2007-12-02T07:45:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed some time has passed since my last entry. I'm sure it isn't because I have nothing to say, it isn't because I'm just so busy (playing scrabulous), or because I have stopped thinking about myself.

I have a pattern of becoming interested in doing something, then either doing it for only a short time (think exercise programs, myspace, food journals, etc,) before I either stop completely or just gradually do less, or I plan to do it forever and never or rarely actually start (think learning to use the sewing machine sitting in my dining room or selling my jewelry work). I am trying to stick to riding my bicycle. I am really quite proud of myself for riding to work several times and actually doing so whenever it's plausible.

But, why do I do this? It isn't really a "lazy" streak, as I like to call it, or depression, or because I take too long considering the financial costs or environmental impacts of my actions, although sometimes those are factors. Maybe it is fear of failure. I do have a need to do things I feel confident at. But also I like to try new things, and I like the process of learning and being challenged by something. So what gives? Am I concerned I just won't be good at sewing? It takes practice, I'm sure, but it would give me freedom from tailors if I could do it well. Or is it (as well as lots of other things) just not that important to me, as a close friend used to suggest? Or do I need to stop analyzing myself to death and just decide to start doing something already?

Dreams and Me

2007-11-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

I had a bad dream last night that woke me up. Usually, I don't remember dreams and they rarely seem to communicate anything significant to me, but I remembered it when I woke up at 4:30 this morning briefly. I can't really recall details, but my dad was working in some sort of tall office building (not his real life job) and I was there (don't know why). Well we ended up having to hide in his office from some sort of attacker. The power was out or the lights were off and the "attacker" was still able to find us and busted through his glass window. For some reason, I think that it was night and I kept wondering why we didn't leave the building instead of hiding...

The other night, I dreamed that my sister and I were in a car with the windows up, it was raining and dark out. A young neighbor girl with long hair was outside knocking on the car window and I wondered why she was outside this late, especially in the rain.

So, from what I can tell in both of these, I seem to be feeling trapped and someone else is trying to get in...and it's always nighttime and dark... why did these two contain family members, I rarely put them in my dreams?

You'd think I've been feeling down, but I really haven't been. I'm actually on quite the upswing lately, even though the career-issue is not anywhere near solved yet. I noticed something about myself at last week's workshops I previously posted about: I prefer the one-on-one, more detail-oriented, day-to-day interactions than the "top," political, networking, "policy-making" types of work. I'm not sure how to explain it - like I'd rather be a carpenter than a general contractor...or a counselor/therapist vs. mayor of a city...deeper rather than broader. Ding ding!

Perfect Attendance

2007-11-01T17:26:00.000-04:00

I work in Government. Local, fairly progressive, but government nonetheless. Today concluded two half days of "Sustainable Workplace Action Plan Workshops" where over 100 "Supervisors and Managers" came together to address issues within our "Organizational Culture." Mainly we wish to move from "top down," administrative, procedure based culture, to a more creative, integrative, values-aligned, and open one. The County manager hired a consultant, from New Zealand, to survey staff (the survey tool was not extremely well-accepted, since no one could input comments or skip questions that they didn't feel they could answer - can we say invalid?) and put together this workshop to help us improve things such as inter-department collaboration and information sharing, employee development and recognition, blah blah blah. Florida property taxes are being reduced (it's to be on the ballot in January, but it's pretty much a guarantee, right?) and we need to conserve revenue, so first we go hire a consultant from overseas, fly him here for several days, put him up in a nice hotel, rent a banquet hall, etc. etc. to generate ideas that, in my opinion, we could have come up with one mass email to all employees simply asking for their opinions and ideas. Oh, but there was popcorn and water yesterday and coffee and cookies today, so obviously they didn't want to "overspend."

OK, so my group worked on employee recognition and development. We had grand ideas of formal mentoring programs, better supervisory training, etc. etc. All great, and all within reach.
Now for the ironic twist: We currently have one annual Recognition luncheon for all employees, in which people are recognized for length of service, "good driving," and...drum roll please, "Perfect attendance." Well, I have always held the opinion that we should not be rewarded/recognized for never using annual or sick leave because this is not "aligned" with our values, since employees who stay home when ill and take vacations from time to time are far more productive (studies show...) than those who are miraculously able to stay perfectly well and never take off. Anyway, I mentioned this in the group, and our Administrative Manager (a very high level person in the County) agreed with me on this, then said that she tried to do away with it a few years ago, but there was such strong backlash from employees (because the reward is an extra day of leave- that they will never use I presume) that they didn't go forward with it. And then the subject was changed...

And they wonder why real change doesn't happen.

Real-ization

2007-10-27T16:03:00.000-04:00

The theory of relativity applies here (and everywhere). I can only know myself in relation to everything that is not me....

So no spokes, no wheel...

Resolve

2007-10-27T07:53:00.000-04:00

Words fall to the floor
with a thud.
You pick them up
just shy of too late.
my fragility is impermanent

To my new friend

2007-10-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

"I tell you this: There is no coincidence, and nothing happens by accident."

and

"The outcome is guaranteed."
(Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God, book 1)

If the purpose of life is to find and experience joy, how can one give up something that brings them to it?

Though I might not take my own advice in the same situation, it is my true opinion that it is not time for you to give up riding. This coincidence might just mean something else. Concern for "safety" is just a translucent mask for fear.

Confidence

2007-10-24T07:31:00.001-04:00

I am gleeful to see the number on the scale decrease each morning.
I almost obsessively check, naked of course, with dry hair.
I artfully apply makeup to look "my best."
I only buy clothing I look skinny in.
Yet I know it makes no difference at all.

The List

2007-10-22T09:14:00.000-04:00

Now that I have amused you all (all 2 of you) with my teenage ramblings, let's get to why I'm really here. I'm imitating my friends who all have "blogs," ahem, Online Journals, and I want to be as cool as they are.

But the true reason is that I think writing simply clarifies thought. So it's time to clarify. What do I want to do? Who shall I be? I'm trying to define myself better, not just in relation to all of my attachments. Imagine I am the center of a bicycle wheel, and the spokes are my attachments, activities, family, etc. Well, if we remove them all, what's there? Or does that even matter? Maybe it's the spokes that define us.

First up, work. Here's the list:

What I prefer:
Social, but not too social
Compensation for work-results, not time served
Creativity
Empowering other's creativity
Food
Reading
Collaborative decisions, inclusive environment
Help/Service to others
Travel
Play
Maybe a gathering place

What I do NOT Prefer:
Chasing people down
Pointless data collection
Tedium
Products/things
Sales, Hard persuasion
Children
Reliance on the irresponsible/incompetent
Conflict
Competition
Clock-punching
Endless phone calls

How can I move from more B to more A?

Untitled-10/3/96

2007-10-21T14:32:00.000-04:00

Sitting here, on this lonely bed,
in your old pajamas,
top button missing,
spot of jelly still near the hem,
a tiny trace of my lips left on the collar.
The waist still too big for me,
legs way too long, dangling threads from the cuffs.
They still smell faintly
of your aftershave, my perfume - I can't bear to wash out.

I remember the first time I saw you
wearing these old pajamas.
Coffee at 3 am,
sitting indian-style on the floor.
We were giddy with laughter, like children,
with our discoveries of each other,
with discoveries of ourselves.

Many a night spent the same,
taking turns wearing those old pajamas,
our scents meshing,
in symbolic worship of our union,
so we could call something ours.

Well, this is pretty stinky. I don't even know who I was talking about. It sounds, simultaneously, like I'm talking about a father, an adulterous lover, or a new love. I think I made up the whole thing, anyway. I do like this line: "in symbolic worship of our union."

Summer - 12/95

2007-10-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

That beach-night late in May,
friendly touches caught fire,
as if they'd been doused with kerosene
and touched by a flame.

Mid-June, that same shore,
the night air clung to my belly,
my ribs, as you raised my arms up over my head.
The wave of a chill traveled the length of my spine
as you bent to gently kiss the curve of my neck.

Through August, we continued the dance,
a ballet that moves so slowly,
yet ends so quickly,
to the dancers.

All I have now is your smiling, picture face
that my hands cannot touch
to remove from the night-table
next to my half-vacant bed,
your eyes still burning through me each night.

I wrote this to put a final stamp on getting over someone who really did a number on me. I actually think it was not too bad, for me. I wish I had used another word for "touched" in the last line of the first stanza. "The night air clung to my belly" is one of my favorite lines I've written. I love the word belly, actually, and the irony of using it in a more adult, sensuous way. The last line of this is really generic and cliche, though.

Dead Rhythm - 11/95

2007-10-21T14:21:00.000-04:00

My dearest Shakespeare, you've been dead so long.
And though Othello does astonish me,
I wish that it was dead too, and I wish
your sonnets weren't quite so prevalent
among my English teachers in high school.
If I'd been taught about John Keats instead,
perhaps these lines could be free, not blank verse.

I don't mean to be rude, for I enjoy
your work a lot. I simply mean that I
cannot believe your popularity,
for all this time has passed, and still you're taught.
The language of Macbeth so out of date,
we need a translator, and now they can't
be sure that it was even your own work.

This was an assignment as well, but I always liked the joke involved. I really do like Shakespeare, but what is it that makes him so important?

The Obsession- 11/95

2007-10-21T14:14:00.001-04:00

Tuesday night, I wash my jeans in the laundry room
on the ground floor of my dorm.
I knew before I came down that he'd be here,
as he is every first Tuesday night of the month,
sitting between the Coke machine and the dryers, reading a book.

I sit across the small room, on an empty table near the window.
He doesn't look up.
I try to study psychological addictions for an exam Wednesday,
but I find myself glancing up,
trying to catch his eye.

I start to swing my foot, back and forth, back and forth,
hoping he'll raise his eyes from behind his glasses.
He still doesn't look up.
I drop my keys on the floor, and they make a small clank.
Still, nothing. The dryers are too loud.

He's wearing his Braves cap backwards again.
I don't recall ever seeing the top of his head.
Maybe he even sleeps in that cap.
I can see a lock of his dark brown hair,
escaping from the confines of the rim, close to his neck.

Finally, my washer stops. I jump down.
He is really engrossed in that book.
As I put my jeans in the dryer, I steal a glimpse of the cover.
It's The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand.
And now, he looks up.

"I think your clothes are dry." I say.
He stands. "Thanks."
"Uh, interesting book?" I ask.
"It's for my Architecture class." He answers.
I smile. "So, is that you major?"

I actually did know the boy in question, but he didn't know I had a huge crush on him. I created the scenario, of course. He later told me that he had planned to ask me out near when we had first met, but he thought I was dating someone, which, of course, I wasn't.

Procrastination-10/12/95

2007-10-21T14:07:00.000-04:00

I believe it was on Wednesday, or maybe
it was Monday, around one o'clock.
Sitting in the grass, under a tree, waiting.
Waiting and watching the squirrels at play,
chasing each other through the trees, up, down, up,
as I try to focus on writing.

The squirrels are distracting, every time I'm there.
And yet I come, because I find
the squirrels amusing, like little children that
run around carefree, full of laughter.
In the spring, I have been told, they run rampant
on the campus, a frenzied uproar.

I glanced at my watch, at my nearly blank page.
I'd spent a whole hour watching squirrels.
I gathered my books, getting ready to go,
thinking of those carefree squirrels, playing
and I smiled, knowing they're where they want to be,
as I was, scampering off to class.

This one was for a class, I'm sure the assignment was "procrastination" as a title. I'm sure I didn't actually ever spend an hour watching those crazy rodents. One once did try to steal a sandwich from me.

An Attempt to Rhyme- 3/6/95

2007-10-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

I have here a few minutes to spare.
What shall I fill them with?
I could read a book,
write a letter,
dinner cook,
or knit a sweater.
Fly a kite, fly a plane,
or just for spite,
make it rain.
To make it rain,
watch the droplets plop
plop plop plop,
making a puddle on the ground.
plink plink plink
the falling rain's sound.
That must be why it does rain.
God never gets bored watching his creatures
open their umbrellas.

I was worse at rhyming poems than ones that just read like paragraphs. This really speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Poems from "back in the day"

2007-10-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

I used to write stuff. Note I don't say that I used to "be a writer." That implies some degree of talent, which I am not so confident of. Still, I have been looking back at myself and for some reason, due to special request?, I now wish to share old, mostly crappy, work.

To Lawrence- 11/1/94

Right now, when I think of you,
I think of someone I knew
before
a long time ago.
I see you never.
We speak on occasion.
I loved you.
It's sad,what happens over time.
At least we were friends once.
That's not what I remember,
when I think of you.
I think of flowers,
carnations...for my birthday
and Christmas kisses, the only thing I miss.
I only wish
you still thought of me once
in a while.

Most of what I wrote reads like broken up paragraphs, not actual poetry. This one was about my very first boyfriend, who I had intense feelings for (as a 14 year old), and still have a fond memory of. He came back around a few months after I wrote this, proving that he did think of me still. I was a little too smart to get reattached though (after a little "reminiscing"), thankfully. I think he's married and living in Miami somewhere.